Zebra

Epic Rap Battles of Online Dating: An Ode to Aladdin Part III

Posted by Princess MoMo on Aug 15 in Online dating, Poems, rap battle

Part I

Part II

GenericHero

7/25/2016 11:43:50 AM
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You got some fancy words but so do I
I don’t need 5 syllables to be soundin’ fly
Got you researchin’ words cause my rhymes you hatin’
I’m more dangerous then internet datin’
Now all bets are off and my game is still tight
I’m a carnivore, but you talk of plant-life
Let me take a moment to educate you with this knife
Cannibalism was never so nice
I eat people, you eat rice, you doubt me? think twice
I don’t need soil for my seed
The last thing this world needs is more of me!
I’m a wizard, I’m a hacker, computer-nerd cracker
I’m paintin’ over you with the thickest of lacquer
Artists got no room for linguistic shackles
Next time you open your mouth, you’ll catch some spackle
She’s a man-eater whom I must tackle
Your lucky I got work else I’d keep this going
If only I got paid for the minds I’m blowin’
Once I’m off the clock I’ll get your groove flowin’
Levitatin’ over you, in the sky glowin’
philoso_phish

7/25/2016 6:39:23 PM
Look at you, quizzically questioning my diva-like diction
I’m a lyrical dominatrix, dictator, tormentor inflicting this ongoing affliction
Sleek syntax, stunning sentences, poetic beautician
Little did you know from my online description, I’m an exotic, Egyptian magician
Herding these words, Webster owes me commission
You tryna go Hannibal Lecter on my brain, for the rich nutrition
Fuck cannibalism, call up the priest, order an immediate exorcism
There must be dancing demons within me, I’m such a devilish vixen
Claim you’re Ronald Reagan, but you’ll soon be resigning like Richard Nixon
In contempt, impeachment, or maybe even criminal conviction
You’re under arrest, no use in protest, not even an appealing petition
I’ll haunt your ass in the dark, apparently I’m an alarming apparition
Grab a seat, tryouts are over, this is no longer an audition
The stage is mine, director and leading role, no competition.
GenericHero

7/25/2016 6:56:02 PM
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So I see your egyptian, and I think thats cool
Why don’t you write in hieroglyphics with an embalming tool?
I split ya like an atom or a molecule
This is nuclear fission you dealin with fool
So I’ll be mark anthony, comin’ atcha
I’ll make ya my own lil’ Cleopatra
We don’t need to compete, we can unify and defeat
Two rappin’ fish? now that’s hard to beat
I don’t wanna see you end up under my cleat
Its like I’m the sickle, and your the wheat
I cheat at this game and deplete your fame
I reap the benefits, but together we’ll shame
This pathetic world, they’ll remember our names
philoso_phish

7/26/2016 8:03:43 AM
Cleopatra was Greek, even though she was a pharaoh
As Egyptian as is Mexican an American in a sombrero
She ruled in Alexandria, my parents from Cairo
So I relate more to a falafel than I do a gyro
See how I used than in that sentence there?
Call me a handy one, your English I will repair
Finish the job your mom couldn’t do
Have you writing above a third grade level when I’m through
That’s all I have for now, mic’s passed back to you
GenericHero

7/26/2016 12:51:04 PM
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Howbout you just be the brains behind our operation
One smart arab and a strong caucasian
We’ll take down everyone, like a plane from malaysia
Be so hard to swallow, we’ll give em’ dysphagia
I speak engrish, just pretend I’m from Asia
But so powerful with just a thought I’ll erase ya
One punch and two black eyes like racoons
You say you like falafels, can I take you to mamouns?
We can chill, rap and listen to arabic tunes
Get stomach aches like we just ate a bunch of prunes
They got fire ketchup that hit you like sonic booms
Leave ya sweatin’ like you at the gym or in my room
See I like the third grade, I’m a kid at heart
I’d rather be fun than always be smart
But I’d rather be with you, then see us apart
So pick me up and put me in your cart
Watch our lives begin, this is only the start
philoso_phish

7/28/2016 5:43:02 PM
You haven’t heard from me in a minute
You probably thought I hit my limit
But I’m back to battle you some more
Has it escalated to the point of war?
No escalation because you’re a nice guy
You seem determined, unwilling to say bye
Gotta give you credit for your persistence
Despite the existence of my resistance
You push closeness to counter my distance
But I’m still not convinced of our fitness
Evinced by my view of you as a Jehovah’s witness
Focused on delivering your message to your victim
Following the Thomas the Tonka truck dictum
I meant train saying, “I think I can, I think I can”
The Little Engine that Could was slow like a minivan
But then he went over the mountain, like a boss
Name change from Thomas to Ricky Ross
Ok, enough of this ish about a children’s tale
And about a rapper who used to work at a jail
“Than” is used when one is comparing
Usually involves two things, a pairing
Like in your line about fun versus smart
And also in the one about with versus apart
But yet you were not even consistent in your use
That shit right there is straight up English abuse
So now I’ll write you rhymes teaching you grammar
You’ll either learn of be left saying, “G-d damn her”
Short for two words, “you’re” is a contraction
“Your” is possessive, no excuses for further infraction
Here are some examples for you to review
“Get it right or YOUR balls will remain blue”
“Damn, Princess MoMo, YOU’RE quite the shrew”
This lesson is now over, session and class dismissed
Come back for more if you haven’t slit YOUR wrist
GenericHero

7/28/2016 6:14:11 PM
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See I appreciate your concern for my verbatim
I’ll goddamn you all day long while you hate em’
All the words I fail at all sound the same
Princess Momo got split-ends? too much time in the rain
Cause your splittin’ hairs when I split heads for fame
I need an english lecture like you need cocaine
My balls can stay blue cause I’m asexual
I’m dealin’ with someone whose ineffectual
Far too fun for an intellectual
You should grab a maxi pad, it appears you’re menstrual
Even though what you’re sayin’ might be factual
I find myself oddly so attached to you
Everything I seem to do is so nefarious
I speak before I think cause I’m so gregarious
It’s the primary trait of a Sagittarius!
All my friends think I be so hilarious
While your situation it just seems precarious
You probably copy my rhymes and send’em to sausage
My words captivate you, I hold you hostage
Got stockholm syndrome and love your captor
Gonna keep shockin’ you like an AC adapter
I got a pet bird and its a raptor
His name is Falcore, and I’m his trapper
You dealin’ with one of the finest rappers
Any b!tch that says otherwise, bet I slap her
philoso_phish

7/28/2016 7:56:59 PM
“You’re” and “your” are like “whose” and “who’s”
Same rules apply on which to use
“Who’s” is a contraction, “whose” is possessive
Your lack of care is quite aggressive
It saddens me that you seem not to try
Liquid down my cheek; have I started to cry?
No, that’s not a leak, it’s just the rain
Though you don’t seek, you I’ll continue to train
You seem like a freak WHO’S into the pain
WHO’S YOUR favorite lecturer, YOUR #1
This chic, WHOSE lessons YOU’RE finding fun
GenericHero

7/28/2016 9:22:11 PM
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Whereby its true I find these lectures fun
I find you comical and strict like a nun
Beating me for grammar with your ruler
When in real life, I’m done, retired, and cooler
I ran a business and was quite successful
While you cryin’ over words, now damn that’s stressful
I got my own house and cars ones a beamer
I did it all with the same damn demeanor
So before you belittle me and think I’m stupid
Understand I can always go to another dating site
I see your obsessed with apostrophe’s
Where I find them cumbersome, castrate me
I type 172 words per minute
But with apostrophe’s, I’m hardly in it
The fact of the matter is you know what I meant
All your lecturing won’t even make a dent
I been typin’ much better then I would
If I was hangin’ wit my homegirls from the hood
dey cnt evn spll n hardly use a vowel
Who, who’s, whose, did I just hear an owl?
If I had to write correctly for my job I would
But I already finished work, you’re misunderstood
Winner’s don’t need to train, they already won
I’m afraid yet again, you just got outdone
GenericHero

7/28/2016 9:24:10 PM
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pof is screwing my rhymes, it changed 0kupid to “dating site” wtf
philoso_phish

8/4/2016 4:52:18 PM
What’s so hard about using you’re for you are?
Laziness isn’t excused by your house or YOUR car.
Use than when comparing and then elsewhere,
Instead you type recklessly, don’t even care.
YOU’RE belittling yourself by repeating the same mistakes,
The boys come to my yard, but it’s not for my milkshakes.
It’s because in my yard, they strive to be better,
If not, they leave with a red ‘F,’ scarlet letter.

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