EMAIL FROM PRINCESS TO SPECIMEN
i just got my period. great opening line, i know… so it’s really bullshit because i’m bleeding more than my weight at this rate…
now, that paragraph was necessary to set the foundation for what’s to come. up until i just found the delivery from the blood fairy, i was pretty set on a decision with regard to you. but now that i’ve had the “pleasure” of the blood fairy visit, i question the validity of some of my decisions/thought processes that occurred within the past week. with that said, there are some pretty standard things that i don’t think are going to change with the increase in rational thought that comes along with the decrease in blood.
1. i have no need for you as a friend – i have enough awesome friends and i barely have enough time in the day to keep up with them – so unless someone brings something new and/or unique or something that is useful in high doses (meaning that i have a need for multiple friends with that thing), i’m not interested. you used to bring something but i realized that something was fake and stupid.
2. i don’t know that i would be able to be friends with you because i would probably just want to kiss your stupid face and that would ruin the friend thing and on the same note, i wouldn’t want you kissing other people’s faces and you’ve made it abundantly clear that you’re unwilling and/or unable to agree to that. so fine be stuck with faces, not to mention attached bodies, way less attractive than mine. you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. and if the horse dies of thirst it’s his own fault. or alternatively, if the horse drinks from the wrong water that will cause him to contract bilharzia, though not die, it’s still stupid. the point is that it’s a stupid horse. and you’re the horse.
you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. and if the horse dies of thirst it’s his own fault. or alternatively, if the horse drinks from the wrong water that will cause him to contract bilharzia, though not die, it’s still stupid. the point is that it’s a stupid horse. and you’re the horse.
3. i’m in or out if i have feelings for someone. as with most things in my life, i’m on/off, black/white, hot/cold. i’m not playing lukewarm with you anymore – it’s a waste of my time and emotions and i don’t get anything from it other than irritation. i was willing to let down my emotional wall for you and put up my vaginal one blocking trespassers in the meantime and you didn’t appreciate either wall downing or uping. that’s fine. your mistake. not mine. well, kind of mine in the terms of me giving you some benefit of the doubt and thinking that you deserved that but whatever, supposedly you win some and lose some.
4. i wasn’t trying to marry you or have fish eggs with you which i think is the impression you were under when mention of relationships or commitment arose. i’m not going to elaborate on this point because i think you’re ridiculous.
5. fuck you if you think that you keeping your dick in your pants comes at more of an opportunity cost than me keeping my dress down or on. you’re out of your mind on that one. but gee, thanks for the effort. and i don’t even know if my vagina works anymore. at a bare minimum, the owner boarded it up because it was abandoned for so long.
i have other things to say but i haven’t premeditated this as i do with most long ass things but i was caught off guard by my body chemistry. so i’m not sure what the bottom line is yet. i’m waiting for more clarity. it sucks when you can’t trust your own judgment. and i haven’t responded to you because i was convinced that i was done and that i hated you until i realized i was operating in the red zone. so, actually this may have been a time in which the terrible week worked in your favor. or it may be sad because you may not get the certificate if the jury decides you didn’t make it through week 3. for now, it’s all unknown. so maybe i shouldn’t even send this. but i don’t like being petty and ignoring people who don’t completely annoy the living fuck out of me. and i would like to end this message on a good note: at worst, we never talk again but the silver living, rick bet this week. goodnight.