Online Dating Fails: Favor

Posted by Princess MoMo on Oct 18 in Epic fails, Grammar, Men, Online dating

Specimen:
Subject line: can you do me a favor?
? I really need a favor if you can help me that would be great. by the way what are you up to these days

 

MoMo: Who is this? What’s the favor?

 

Specimen: can I tear you up tonight

 

MoMo: Only if you do me a favor…

 

Specimen: whats that go down? how’s work been
 
MoMo: Metamorphose into an attractive, respectable homo sapien.
Do I know you?

 

Specimen: seriously why are you being mean? whatever thought you might help me.maybe I ll see you around.text me if you change your mind tonight 732691xxxx
 
Specimen: I used to work with you
 

MoMo: Where?
 

Specimen: td bank.text me and im serious about hooking up tonight

 

MoMo: As I suspected, this is a case of mistaken identity. I never worked at a bank. And, based on your forwardness, I assume you hooked up with the person for whom you’ve mistaken me. I assure you, I would never fornicate with the likes of you.

 

Specimen: lol dam ok are you always so mean.I apologize thought u were somebody else

 

MoMo: I’m selectively mean. You earned it.

 

Specimen: why because I mistaked you for somebody else? am I really not your type

 

MoMo: Mistaked is not a word. The word you were looking for is mistook. And, one would assume that it’s obvious you’re not my type given the manner in which I’ve responded to your messages. Evidently, that’s too presumptuous.

 

Specimen: well I assumed that you were giving me an attitude because I mistook* you for somebody else.Now I’m realizing maybe you are a jerk.You have my number if you change your mind. Two pros to look forward to, one will be I will go down and two will be that I will bust a load in your face

 

MoMo: Those sound like two cons to me, especially the latter. In fact, the latter sounds like a form of torture. The likelihood of you even nearing my precious face is slim to none, let alone contaminating it with your foul bodily fluids.
 

Specimen: lol.I’m not sure yet but I’m assuming you have a sense of humor. Are you prude?

 

MoMo: No, I’m not a prude. I’m just completely turned off by you.
 

Specimen: where is your on switch?
 

MoMo: Contrary to popular belief, I am not a robot.

 

Specimen: lol.Perhaps you can relax alittle.Stop taking stuff so serious it is a major turnoff
 

MoMo: I’m just trying to reciprocate the turned off-ness.

 

Specimen: well the least you can do is be respectful ?

 

MoMo: When one of the first things you say to me is that you want to tear me up, you get nothing but pure unadulterated, grammatically correct bitchiness.

 

Specimen: Are you some sort of English major? I apologized for that first message. You are really being a jerk thou.I am now being respectful towards you now aren’t I. You don’t even know me and you are telling me that we would never have a chance to get to know each other.I would like to take you out to dinner

 

MoMo: No, I am not any sort of English major. I respect the
English language and treat it accordingly. Your crassness with regard to sexual relations really put me off. There’s no recovering from that. Aside from my current impression of you based on your messages, a review of your profile does not redeem you. I appreciate the dinner offer, but I respectfully decline.

 

Specimen: what are some key aspects that turn you away from me.

 

MoMo: Would you really like a full run down?
 

Specimen: yes
 

Specimen: yes
 
MoMo: By my standards:
– you’re vertically challenged;
– you’re grammatically compromised;
– you’re visually unappealing;
– you’re of average, at best, intelligence; and
– you’re crude (e.g., you’re of the belief that busting a load in a female’s face is a gift. Perhaps it is a blessing to the world insofar as you’re not passing on your genetic material, but to the recipient of the filthy facial, it is a curse.)

 

Specimen: Well, thank you for the constructive criticism. Unless you would like to be single for the rest of your life you should relax alittle. You should stop taking everything so serious. You also come off very stuck up and high matnence. Taking a load in the face is a delicacy to woman these days lol

 

Specimen: maintenance*

 

MoMo:I commend you for being a good sport and having thick skin.

 

Specimen: lol.Life is to short to take everything so serious. What kind of work do to do?


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