The popular online dating website, PlentyofFish, or as I like to call it, PlentyofShit (“POS”), abruptly canceled my profile. My guess is that my “suspicious” activity yesterday of opening every one of the multitude of messages in my POS inbox for purposes of extracting blog fodder tipped them off. I wrote to them inquiring as to what they had done with my precious account. Most notable about POS’s responses are the following two statements:
“We will not disclose specific details regarding your account’s closure.”
“The closure of your account is permanent, and any future accounts will be automatically detected and deleted by the system.”
Not surprisingly, the POS system could not oppress MoMo. Within minutes, I had successfully created a new profile. Can’t nobody hold me down; can’t nobody take my pride; oh no, I gots to keep on blogging! Booyah, POS. How do you like them avocados?
Anyway, POS’s deletion of my account was a blessing in disguise (even though I lost an epic “Dating Fails” message in the process). I only posted one picture to the new account and in the “about me” section I wrote, “I will fill this in later.” Despite the brevity and lack of substance in my profile, the messages flowed right in like shit down a sewer. Below are a few of the newest gems along with my commentary in the form of “Editor’s Notes.”
Message 1: Nice profile and pic! How’s your week going? [Editor’s Note: The six words I wrote in my profile really took a lot of thought. I’m glad he acknowledged my effort. On a serious note, messages containing, “How’s your [x day, period of time or holiday] going” are useless. I feel like divulging how my day/week/whateverf is going to some random guy on the internet just as much as I feel like sharing it with the Statue of Liberty. For the record, I’ve never spoken to the Statue of Liberty. Similarly, I will never speak to the writer of this message.]
Message 2: hey how ru wanna chat [Editor’s Note: No.]
Message 3: Hey there! What’s going on? My name is john :) so I read your profile and thought we had a good amount of things in common and wanted to see if you would like to chat?:) well if you want to chat and meet for for some drinks send me a message. Hope to hear from you! [I’d be interested to know what he thought we have in common given that I didn’t write much of anything in my profile. In fact, I think I’ll ask him that question and provide the update in a future blog post.]
Message 4: hey how are you? my name is mike i did read your profile you seem like a great girl,fun your very pretty we seem to have things in common, and someone im interested in getting to know you…a little bout me i love sports,chillin wit friends/family,movies,beach,anything really as long as its fun you know.. take a look at my profile ,hope we can chat sometime. write me bck soon hope to hear from you soon [Editor’s Notes: Apparently, among the things he doesn’t love is the space bar. And, again, seemingly out of thin air he deduces that we have things in common. Either he’s clairvoyant or he’s referring to the fact that we’re both users of POS, we’re both human beings, and we both have internet access. But, more likely, he’s just cutting and pasting the same poorly written message to one female specimen after another.]
Message 5: Hi.. Im Michael, but my friends call me Mo, sometimes MO MO..! I thought that was funny.. hows it going? [Editor’s Note: Now that my lungs have recovered from laughing so hard at his oh-so-clever joke, I’ll say that at least his message was better than the other boilerplate messages above, which isn’t saying much.]
Message 6: Hey idk what to say on these sites sometimes but I thought u were interesting and hopefully u can hit me bac and we can get to know each other hopefully u can tell me more about yaself lol [Editor’s Note: It doesn’t take much to interest him. I am perplexed by the messages that guys write stating that they don’t know what to say. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything at all. Wait until you think of something and then write. If you never think of anything, it wasn’t meant to be.]
Message 7: Hi how r u?? Belated happy new year [Editor’s Note: See Statue of Liberty explanation under Message 1.]
Message 8: Hey [Editor’s Note: This is the absolute worst. Because of this stupid word, “hey,” I almost never visibly sign on to chat programs. Inevitably, what happens upon signing on to a chat program is that several message windows containing “hey” pop up. The “hey” senders don’t have anything of more depth than “hey” to say. So, the conversation goes like this,
Hey Person: Hey
Hey Person: What’s going on?
Hey Person: Same here
I avoid those “conversations” like the plague.
Message 9: Hello,
I came across your profile and was immediately attracted to your pictures. After reading your profile I also see that we have a lot in common which is why I am writing you. I would like to talk and get to know more about you. Hopefully we have more in common then what is just written in our profiles. Please write back if you share the same interests.
[Editor’s Note: Sigh. I already covered this in the above messages. You see how similar these messages are to one another?]
Message 10: Heyy momo! Professional problem solver eh?? Have you figured out a solution to weed out all the weirdos on this site yet ? Lol [Editor’s Note: Finally!! We have a quality message. I listed “Problem Solver” as my profession. He took the little information listed in my profile, applied some creativity, and concocted a short, but good message. Kudos! Sadly, he’s 5’8″. ]
Message 11: I am new at this. I am much better looking than my pics. I am a great man and hate texting. Would you like to call me and take a risk? [Editor’s Note: Some risks just aren’t worth taking; this is one of them.]
Message 12: I just read your profile and wanted to drop a quick email and say hello. I wouldn’t mind conversing with you sometime in the near future, so if you’re interested in the same please respond.
Thanks and have a great Thursday out there!
[Editor’s Note: Wow, another one who really put a lot of time into reading my profile. I’m so honored that all of these guys read all six words I wrote! The reality is, none of the “I read your profile” guys read jack shit. I hope nobody believes their transparent bullcrap.]
Your “likes” and comments are encouraged and appreciated. Thanks.