I Hate Brandon Singer Part II

Not much has changed since “I Hate Brandon Singer Part I,” except that he has defriended me on facebook.  Apparently, he didn’t like my entry recounting his bullshitary, nor did he like the fact that I posted a courtesy copy of said entry on his facebook wall.


To quickly recap, I met Brandon Singer in 2005.  A few days after meeting, I attended a wedding as his date.  We hung out once more thereafter, but I haven’t seen him since then.  Six and a half years later, I decided to invite him to a wedding as my date (for various reasons including that Mr. Lambo and I had just “broken up” a few days prior to the wedding and I thought it would make for a good story.)  Brandon Singer agreed to attend.  He informed me that he was boozing with his boys the night before the wedding.  From there, the text screenshots below will bring you up to speed.  (I’m the blue bubbles and he’s the yellow.)



Three minutes after Brandon Singer douchely bailed on me, I placed a call to my good friend Sheldon, who lives in North Jersey (29 miles from the wedding venue).  He didn’t answer.  I did something that I rarely do: recorded a voicemail.  I explained the predicament I faced.  Within a minute or so, he responded via text, “Omg, wtf!! Give me ten minutes. I’m going to shower than call you.”  His text, a mere one hour and ten minutes before my friend’s wedding, increased my level of irritation.  He hadn’t responded affirmatively as to whether he’d be able to save the day.


How I met Sheldon: Sheldon and I met through a website called “Hot or Not.”  Essentially, people post their pictures and let others rate them.  There’s also a “meet me” component to the site.  On January 24, 2006, we met in person.  For sometime, Sheldon was on the hot pursuit for some MoMo-lovin’, but I wasn’t having any of that.  I effectively friend-zoned him.  I am one of only two females in his life that he tolerates as a friend with no physical benefits.  You may also be getting the sense that I’m an internet troll; I prefer to think of myself as MoMo, Cyber-Warrior Princess.


I continued my mental analysis of potential proximally desirable date replacements.  I called the specimen from these posts (April 13, 2011 Specimen Dissection and Bad Shirt Epidemic).  I hadn’t seen him since August, 2011, but he texts me from time to time, doesn’t live prohibitively far from the wedding location and is attractive.  No answer.  Next on the list: a specimen I met in 2004, became reacquainted with  in 2011 and then became re-reacquainted with in 2012.  (I haven’t blogged about him because the ’04 and ’11 encounters preceded this super awesome blog and I haven’t in-person re-acquainted with him this year.)  No answer.   He later called me back and texted saying he was sleeping, but that didn’t help my urgent cause.


FINALLY, Shellie called back.  The negotiation process began.  You see, hanging out with Sheldon is no simple task.  He must mentally prepare before departing for any rendezvous.  (He’s OCD, literally.)  At this point, it was less than an hour before the wedding.  An initial concern, besides mental prep time, was whether he had clothing appropriate for the occasion (because he hadn’t had enough notice to dry clean).  Thankfully, he had clothing available.  But, he said he still had to shave and eat before he could even consider leaving.  I asked if he could grab something quick to eat on his way or if he could wait because there would be plenty of food at the event.  Neither of those options suited him.  He had to go to Boston Market, his preferred dining establishment and he had to do so before he shaved, meaning he’d need to leave his apartment, go get the food, go back home, eat the food, shave and then leave his apartment for the wedding.




Your “likes” and comments are REQUIRED.  Failure to do so will result in years of disenchantment and may cause an increase in heart rate, palpitations, sweating, nausea, vomiting, difficulty breathing, pallor, dizziness, weakness, shakiness, headache, apprehension, nervousness, anxiety and, in rare cases, death.  Thanks.



Click here for I Hate Brandon Singer Part I


comments: 4 »

4 Responses to “I Hate Brandon Singer Part II”

  1. Finally! I couldn’t go to sleep until this was posted!

  2. Ugh, I can’t wait till the next part is up!!! What happened???

  3. marisaob says:

    I like you side effects, however, I find it hard to believe that in “rare” cases may cause death. I feel like rare should be upgraded to “some” at the very least. ;-)

Pings responses to this post

You must be logged in to post a comment.