Zebra

Epic Rap Battles of Online Dating

To avoid the drudgery of reading one lame-ass message after another in the cyber dating world, I very recently implemented a new rule.  The rule is that cyber suitors must write to me in rhyme.  My online dating profile is styled in the form of the theme song from Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Here are some of the messages I’ve received so far:

goldenarms2015

11/6/2015 6:51:12 PM
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Are you still single ?

philoso_phish

11/6/2015 6:52:09 PM
You didn’t follow the rules.
goldenarms2015

11/6/2015 6:55:38 PM
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Are you still single, not trying to get in your pants just want to mingle if you want to step to me be poetic don’t lecture me .

philoso_phish

11/6/2015 7:02:43 PM
Yes, I am still single, hence my presence on this site
I now require rhymes to avoid messages so trite
Substance and creativity are traits desired
And a great vocabulary is also admired
So what’s up? What would you like to know?
But remember, when you ask, your words have got to flow
goldenarms2015

11/6/2015 7:13:57 PM
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You got me playing this game , damn girl I don’t even know your name , all this fuss over a rhyme,i may be wasting my time .

philoso_phish

11/6/2015 7:19:47 PM
This game is so fun; don’t you agree?
It’s mentally stimulating to a degree.
My name you seem to want to learn
It is Monica; your go, your turn
goldenarms2015

11/6/2015 9:02:18 PM
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You’re starting to sound like a nursery rhyme,quit now while you’re ahead I’ll still give you time

goldenarms2015

11/6/2015 10:16:49 PM
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That’s it, you’re done , just when we were having a lil fun .lpl

philoso_phish

11/7/2015 9:32:36 AM
Oh, you want to go on attack, attacking the riddler?
I’m a lyrical dictator, heil the rhyme Hitler

I’m not mad about rejection from an art school
But if you come at me, bro, I pity the fool

I’ll verbally abuse you, confuse you, destroy your focus because I’m the champ
But I’ll help you recenter your thoughts, need you a concentration camp

Ok, ok, maybe that was a bit mean and vicious
It’s just morning yet, and MoMo’s feeling malicious

goldenarms2015

11/7/2015 9:43:44 AM
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Aight!! you came correct,better than that other sh#% you regain my respect. If you’re feeling me lets come to a understanding ,no more messages about rhyming, it’s way too demanding . I would like to call ya,as long as I didn’t appall ya

 

 

twicky2410

11/6/2015 7:48:41 PM
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So I sat down to write this rap.
I have no rhythm, so it may be crap.

My name is Tom, that’s what to call me.
Not Boo or Bae but maybe Tommy.

I think this is so creative.
It seems to me you know how to live.

But you kinda cheated using Fresh Prince.
I’m a creative rapper. A poet for instance.

So more about me, I’m 36.
Getting my MBA, nothing rhymes with six.

I’m cracking myself up with this rap.
It’s about time I ask Whats da hap?

So far this has been all about me.
But if we talk, it’s about WE.

So tell me, what do you do for fun?
Do you shop? Hike? Go for a run?

What kind of food do like to eat?
Cereal? Veggies? Any red meat?

There is so much that I want to know,
I want to learn about you from head to toe.

I’m running out of silly rhymes.
Say hello and we’ll start our good times.

I hope you liked this crazy rap.
My brain is so tired, I gotta take a nap!

WORD!

I already like that you did something in your profile that no one has ever done before. Creative, sense of humor and playfulness, and incredibly attractive. Suffice it to say, you have my attention.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Tom

philoso_phish

11/7/2015 9:21:26 AM
I didn’t cheat; I created a remake
I’d do it again; ’twas no mistake

It’s clever and catchy and inspires nostalgia
It’s an equation for awesome, simple algebra

Tommy, you asked about my tummy and what I eat
I’m a flexible eater, delighting in savory and sweet

I’m no special needs eater; call me an omnivore
Telling you all about me got me feeling like an autobiographer

I shop, sometimes hike, but never run, unless I’m in danger
I stick to power walking instead and never trust a stranger

So, Tommy, that should answer your inquiries
Hope I’ve solved some previously unsolved mysteries

 

 

 


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