Mr. JW comes to us from the cyber world of dating. Our first meeting was a simple “let’s grab drinks” tryst. We got along well enough, but it was nothing to write home about…yet. A few days later, he suggested another date. His idea? Mini golf. He earned points for that, not because I like mini golf or any kind of golf, but because it deviated from the standard dinner/drinks dates. I looked up a place and gave him the address.
We were running tight on time before the place closed. I arrived there before he did. I tried to buy time by chatting up the male employee there. My efforts were for naught because Mr. JW managed to get himself pulled over, which consumed too much time. We ended up just grabbing drinks.
Our next encounter involved a zoo, another good idea on his part. I bought a shirt with a sequins giraffe on it for this escapade. He didn’t seem as in love with the zoo as I was, but we had fun nonetheless…until we got to the nocturnal animal exhibit. Perhaps because it’s dark in there, he confused this area for a boom boom room. Call me odd, but I don’t find being surrounded by night dwelling creatures to be an aphrodisiac. I expressed my discomfort with his advances.
After the conclusion of our visit to the zoo, he suggested we complete the evening with somewhat of a Mexican theme. We picked up some Chipotle (this was before the outbreak) and some fruit flavored alcoholic beverages (they were somehow Mexican related, but I don’t remember how). The only thing missing was a piñata. We then went back to his studio (he’s a producer) and watched a movie. It was fairly anticlimactic. Then he did something that annoyed me. I don’t fully recall what it was; maybe a repeat of the nocturnal animal room. So, I left.
Months went by before I saw him again, though he’d periodically text me. One day, he asked if I’d like to accompany him to see a play. Naturally, I agreed. On the way to the play, I asked what inspired this outing. He said he was given the tickets. I asked by whom. He said his brother and then he nonchalantly said, “Oh and my brother and his wife might be there along with some other people.” I said, “Oh, so I’m meeting your family? You didn’t think that was worth mentioning before?” He replied, “I needed someone to go with, so you’re really doing me a solid here. I couldn’t tell they were going to be there because then you wouldn’t have come. So, it had to be done this way.”
What??? So I delved deeper into this ridiculous discussion by asking how he planned to introduce me. Like was he going to tell them he picked me up from some escort service or what? He insisted that we had end seats as if that somehow made a difference. Was that supposed to make an escape easier if necessary?
We arrived at the theater a bit early and decided to grab a couple of drinks at the pub next door. That pub sucks. It was packed because a lot of theater goers decided to do the same thing we had done. So we were standing around holding our drinks when suddenly some mysterious object acted upon the back of my knees and knocked me down onto it with dirty martini in hand. Unfortunately, some of the drink spilled, however, I managed to contain most of the fluid and not drop the glass despite the fact that I had toppled over this unknown object. Well, the object turned out to be a child. Suffice it to say I had negative thoughts with respect to this devil; it was old enough to know better than to run around a crowded place (probably around 10). As if this child weren’t bad enough, the adults were even worse. One of the servers commented on how bad that was, but didn’t bother to replace my drink or offer me napkins. I looked at the male adult responsible for this child and said something to him and rather than apologizing for bringing this demon into the public domain, he made some bullshit sarcastic comment. Finally, Mr. JW looked like he was in complete and utter bliss. He commented on my skillful save of the martini, but he was more focused on his perceived hilarity of the situation. He said it was his favorite moment ever with me because as I was falling, he saw me vulnerable for the first time. Jerk.
Anyway, it was time for the show. We found our seats. He began conversing with the man and woman seated next to us, but failed to introduce me. I asked, “So who are those people?” He said, “My mom and dad.” Oh, what a coincidence. I introduced myself and then the show began. The theater was sweltering hot. Before intermission, Mr. JW and I went for a bathroom break. He suggested we go grab a drink at the bar next door again. I had already seen this play twice before, so I agreed. Not long after, his entire family joined us because they couldn’t stand the heat in the theater either. So, there I was with his mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and some family friends. The dirty martinis were setting in and I decided that I would be the show. I told his mom and sister-in-law of how I was duped into “meet the family” scenario. They seemed highly amused and completely unsurprised by Mr. JW’s plan. Unlike his family, Mr. JW was not entertained. He pulled me aside and asked, “What are you doing?” I said, “What are you talking about? They love me.” He said, “Yeah, your story makes you sound awesome, but makes me sound like a weirdo.” Well, all I was doing was telling the truth. The end.