Epic Rap Battles of Online Dating: Ode to Aladdin Part II

Posted by Princess MoMo on Jul 25 in Online dating, rap battle



7/23/2016 5:27:38 PM
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see it was early in the morning before I had my coffee
If mistakes cant be made, I think i’d rather be free
Its just I hate even finding the apostrophe
Its so much quicker to ignore it but now your pissed at me!
It appears you like hitler miss grammar nazi
Must be spendin’ too much time as an attorney
Readin’ legal documents put me on a gurney
Now its time to break it down, its my turn G
See my mama taught english, it was her career
I had a lifetime of guilt, anguish and fear
for if I ever wrote wrong the end i’d never hear
If she couldn’t change me then you probably wont, dear
Nothins gonna change my world, i think the beatles wrote
and I think it was covered by fiona app-pull
I’d still get points if we were playin’ scrabble
Cause your is still a word and it sounds the same
So lets not split hairs, lets not pass blame
I know how to spell, write, read and gain
I write medical charts, and it causes me pain
Its always gotta be right, so when i’m off the clock, I forget how to type
So if you gonna crucify me like jesus christ
Then i’ll hand you the spear, so you can skewer me twice
I got a youtube channel you can find me rappin’
Got a handful of fans, while you be trapped in
A nice office somewhere with your fax machine and trashbin
I cashed in and now I’m trashin lawyers cause my passion is
Verbally slapping, I dont give a crap and
s’not how its written it is how its spoke
I’ll need a lawyer for the next grammar nazi I choke

7/23/2016 9:25:06 PM
Let me get on your channel and battle you for a round
Put my fingers on your gills, you flimsy fish, make you drowned
You had chance to check your language, potentially rebound
Saw your line four and I furiously frowned
Now with a bunch of thorns, you shall be crowned
Nails through your wrist, don’t you make a sound
Nails through your feet, with the hammer I will pound
Secure you to that cross, so you cannot move around
Until your grammatical errors no longer abound.

7/23/2016 9:41:50 PM
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I said nail me to that cross, I’ll scream in delight
I beat myself up for fun, all day and all night
Your my dominatrix now and maybe you bite
I’m living in a matrix, where I’m always right.
Even if my grammar sucks, we should talk on the phone
At least there my spelling won’t send you running home
I’m charming as can be but you requested a battle
And now you talking harsh, can I grab you a paddle?
I got nothin but respect for your occupation
You made it through law school, YOU’RE so amazin’
I speak good English and know my grammar
But here you comin’ at me like M.C. Hammer
Your the best one I’m talkin’ too, and that be the truth
I never meant to sound inelegant or uncouth
I fixed up my game, you can no longer condemn
I’m really not into B.D.S.M
Though I write in shorthand and don’t realize
I wouldn’t want poor grammar to cause my demise
I swear I’m not like all these other boring guys
I speak to you in riddles, and never tell lies
Crucify myself to restore the sparkle in your eyes
Cause without your messages, I have no reason to survive

7/24/2016 9:32:51 PM
You want to be paddled, whipped, and degraded?
I’ll leave you feeling chronically, caustically castrated.
I’ll sauté your manhood and eat it for a snack
Leavin’ red marks all up on your back
While keepin’ a tight grip of what remains of your sac
My wish is your command, you do as I say
By my rules, this game we gonna play
I see you like when I get executively aggressive, you tried to repress it, but now you’ve expressed it, watch each word get successively possessive, excessively oppressive to the point that it’s impressive, addictive, and you cannot be disconnected, even though you’re being disrespected, if I went silent, you’d start to feel neglected and you’d refrain from being collected
Because my words are expectedly unexpected
None of them excepted
Fearless, unafraid, call this chick intrepid
Going at you raw, call that unprotected
Verbal virus reproducing, got you all infected when I inject it, you cannot help but be affected and subjected to what I just directed straight into your flesh, kid
I just killed you and you cannot be resurrected

7/24/2016 10:51:29 PM
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You can paddle, you can whip
You can grab me near the hip
But degrade you can’t do cause I’m grade A ****!
You can cook up my manhood, and have it for a snack
Though im a full course meal, you’d swear I’m black
I got the game, I got the rhymes, I got the cash, I got what shines
I’m winning this game, like medieval times
You kill me with shame, Then I am frankenstein
You think I feel pain? See that I’m divine
Now I’m bout to drop a line like a beast
The only thing you infectin’ is your yeast
I got some monostat 7 to relieve that itch
I throw it at’cha like a baseball pitch
Then maybe you’ll be a little kinder
Love conquers all, that’s just a reminder
You got a lot of anger maybe a clenched fist
Or perhaps YOU’RE just a rabid fem-in-ist
Either way its really simple said I’ll be your friend
And on the third day I think he rose again?
Got resurrected I’m protected from all your rage
I’m telekinetic I deflect you like a black mage
Throw you in a cage, and treat you like a dog
Give you a milkbone and your favorite stuffed frog

7/25/2016 12:14:36 AM
You can leave your mom’s cream in the cabinet
Vagrant yeast in my snatch is no inhabitant
Have you eating out of it, like it’s a sacrament
Have you on your knees, establishing disestablishment
Have you earning a degree in me, like you a graduate, exceptional oral advocate
Subjugating, suffocating you, pretending it’s an accident
Convert you from a pacifist to a insatiable masochist
Begging for more, religiously ravenous
But bordering blasphemous
I’m no feminist, just an articulate antagonist
I speak with force, appealingly adamant
SAT words, lexical extravagance
Hyperbole hyperactiving your hibernating hypothalamus
Hypothetically, if your rhymes were analogous, I might change my calculus and analysis
But instead, they’re like weak kidneys needing a drastic dose of dialysis

7/25/2016 12:49:56 AM
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Its not letting me reply =(



7/25/2016 12:51:59 AM
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While I’m busy decoding your cryptography
I might touch myself, dreamin you was on-top-a me
I’m a grand master at your bio-anatomy, and if you want me on my knees then
You’ll be followin’ me. I’ll challenge you to freestyle, winner sucks first
It’ll be worthwhile, so long as we burst
I like s3x games and I like s3x dice, you can leave your thesaurus at home, aite?
I’m a tyrannosaurus woman I’ll show you my might
I’m a tyrant chorus singing songs all night
My kidneys are fine I need no dialysis
It appears you speak with clout and callousness
Though my words leave you in a state of paralysis
I’ll take your breath away, like a night in Annapolis

7/25/2016 12:53:00 AM
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LOL it wouldn’t send that message til I removed the word S3x POF is on creep-control lolol

7/25/2016 9:08:28 AM
This is a rap battle, not a rap fairytale where I ride off with you into the twilight
If you’re a T-Rex, I’m the ice age, winning this ferocious fight
Even frigidly leaving Sid the sloth with nothing but frostbite
Freezing you, eliminating and eradicating you as though it was my right
It’s fascinating how you’re trying, mustering up all your might
But I’m continually decimating your type till you’re outta sight
I got you salaciously serenading me, underestimating me, thinking you’ll turn darkness into light
But I’ll keep fascistly waging war on you haughtily, night after night
Solemnly hitting you with sardonic terminology, pornographic cerebral sodomy, have you needing a mental colonoscopy to clean out your constipated philosophy
This cacophony culminating catastrophically and colossally
I’m the truth, honestly, forecasted, something like a prophecy
Plaguing you, have your progeny looking for that apostrophe
Be like me, prodigiously punctually punctuating this melodic monstrosity
It’s an active atrocity, cancerously spreading, study it, oncology
Metaphorical radiation, chemotherapy, destroying your psychology
Observe the size of my mind games, focus on the phrenology
And watch it’s impact on your hormones, incredible effects of endocrinology
Have you secreting semen with my magnificent, non-monastic lack of modesty
But there’s no soil for your seed, is that botany or anthropology?
Perhaps it’s biology, specifically the branch known as ecology
Change of subject, now math, one constant is our invariable inequality
I’m bankrupting your brain, neurological insolvency
Indebted, have you begging for forgiveness, gimme that owed, apoplectic apology

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