Ever since her younger Princess days, MoMo has somehow attracted a lot of written communication in her “relationships.” Before emails, these communications were in paper note or greeting card form (many of which are stored in her closet in her box of specimen crap). With the advent of modern technology, emails, facebook messages, and obviously texts/chats have taken over. A few weeks ago, MoMo met a specimen who didn’t even bother asking for her number. Instead, he contacted her through the “Contact” link on her blog via email. While they exchanged some text messages, they never spoke on the phone, nor did they meet in person again. This specimen ruined the intellectual bond that could have potentially developed by suggesting an unacceptable proposition.
Specimen: Also, I found out last night to my disgust that my roommate voted for Obama last election. I think he may even be a liberal. He doesn’t even support shooting guns. I asked him to come target shooting with me and he said “dude I don’t like guns.” He also recently collected unemployment for a span of 2 months and seemed to enjoy it. I’m putting the pieces together and not liking what I’m seeing… not one bit
Princess: Looks like it’s time to find a new place to live. Do you shoot animals?
Specimen: No, I’ve done target shooting and clay pigeon shooting though and it’s fun. I’m also a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment. I’ve concluded, after going on a few trips as a teenager, that hunting animals requires too much effort for 4 in the morning.
As a kid who grew up going to church every Sunday with my parents, I thoroughly enjoyed the Old Testament references on your Castle Invasion post.
Princess: I’m glad you enjoyed it. If we ever get passed being pen pals, maybe you can bring me some gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Princess (literally less than one minute later): past*
Specimen: A grammatical mistake?? Is this the real Princess Momo?
Princess: Please note that (i) I corrected my own mistake (ii) almost immediately. Even princesses fall short of perfection. Sad, I know.
Specimen: Noted and noted.
I recently had a run-in with someone whom I will call “The Flake”. The Flake routinely engages in making social plans and then breaking them at the very last minute without warning. This run-in, combined with my detest for inefficiency made me realize how incredibly wasteful indirect communication is.
I’d like to hang out with you again, however we are both career-oriented professionals with limited time and geographic diversity. Given we both are in the upper percentile intellectually, are emotionally detached and despise liberal ignorance, it seems we would be good candidates for friends with benefits.
Hanging out would be at one’s leisure and only when mutually convenient. It would likely involve a bottle of wine, stand-up comedy, cheddar-filled hot dogs and little to no clothing. If this pleases the Princess, send word.
In other news, I think Facebook alerted me that you joined a softball team? Perhaps al Spida has felt threatened by your newly acquired bat skills.
Intervening Text Messages:Specimen: A man named Miguel just got moved inot the cube adjacent mine this afternoon. Perhaps I’ll call him biguel.Princess: Perhaps you didn’t get my email.Specimen: I just now read it and replied. If this is in fact the last time I will be hearing from, which I hope not, I must say your mental schemes are intriguing.
Specimen: Understood, but I am confused. The intention of my email was not to offend you.
In fact, I had a really good time hanging out with you. Very few girls have your sense of humor and wit to match. My Intention of the email was to say that because of distance and time, it’s obviously difficult to see someone. However, I did think we shared a connection and wanted to maintain a no-pressure friendship. The benefits part just seemed like a natural win-win for both, as did the cheddar hit dogs.
If I said or did something to offend you then I apologize, that was not my intention.
Princess: In this sentence, “Very few girls have your sense of humor and wit to match[,]” you forgot to mention that I’m hot.
Specimen: Yes, I thought it was implied by the general tone of the message, however that omission must be corrected. You’re hot and in the words of the great Ron Burgundy, “I want to be on you.”
If I didn’t mention it before, intelligence and humor are my biggest turn-ons.
Specimen: If you would like to sever communication ties, I will respect that and this will be my last communication as well. I’ll just reiterate the intention of my prior e-mail was to express that I had a good time with you and wanted to hang out again but didn’t want to put any type of pressure on it, given distance and time constraints. I’ll admit, given our previous dialogue and what seemed like a mutually beneficial situation, I’m confused by your response. It would be regrettable to sever ties over a misunderstanding.
Good luck with your alter ego’s law career and your primary’s writing career. You are quite talented and maybe one day your collection will be available in a future digital bookstore for my future mobile device.
Princess: I don’t see what’s confusing about it. You have inspired me to write a piece about the economics of “friends with benefits” arrangements. I have not had time to sit and compose my future masterpiece though.
Friends with benefits is really not of much benefit to me because (i) I already have a lot of friends; and (ii) “benefits” are so easily attainable. So your proposition was one of unilateral utility.
My time, much likes yours, is valuable. If there is not potential for anything other than some random bodily fluid exchange, then I don’t want to spend the scarce resource of time providing you with personalized entertainment (i.e. communicating with you). If I feel compelled to let you “be on [me]” as you so ineloquently quoted in a previous email, I have your number and can contact you (don’t hold your breath on this one).
No hard feelings. I just don’t want a pen pal or a fuck buddy at this point in my life.
It’s real smooth on this guy’s part to pull a quote from Anchorman that resulted in the character being shot down, *HARD*. He’d have done better with sex panther, at least, “60% of the time… *IT* works every time.” emphasis mine
Hahaha