Princess MoMo

The longstanding war against Al-Spida (rhymes with Al Qaeda) continues.  As you may recall, earlier this year, the leader, evil motherbugger bin spider, of this terrorist cell ambushed Princess MoMo.  Unfortunately, MoMo lost that battle.  For some time after the incident, MoMo was undisturbed by the eight-legged thugs.    As a result,  her spider alertness decreased.  The crafty spiders, recognizing the lack of vigilance, launched an epic battle against unsuspecting MoMo.

Arachnids have their place – that place is outside.  (This is but one of the many reasons camping is on my to not do list.  It gives the spiders a home field advantage.)  But, when these creepy crawlers encroach on MoMo’s territory, they must die.  By any means necessary.  People frequently say, “Spiders are good, they eat other bugs.” Unless the bugs they eat include themselves and each other, Princess MoMo is not interested in cohabitating with these vermin.

Inconveniently, MoMo does not walk around with a spider killing preparedness kit.  Therefore, when the first in a series of attacks by jumbo-sized sons-of-a-spiders transpired, MoMo had to think quickly in terms of weapon selection.

Battle One, Tuesday September 27, 2011 – A Fresh Kill

MoMo descended down the stairs to the castle basement to let the huahuas and Zeus out.  As she approached the door that leads outside, she noticed that she and the dogs were not alone.  A menace had trespassed upon the castle to wreak havoc.  A really big menace.  Huge. Big as fuck.  Problem: MoMo was shoeless.  That eliminated the most obvious choice of weapon.  What to do? What to do? MoMo hurriedly looked around, until she spotted a Febreeze bottle.  Perfect.  She grabbed the bottle and, from a distance, sprayed and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed the intruding insect.  Of course, he tried to escape his Febreeze fate, but MoMo wasn’t going to let that happen.  In fact, while he struggled to free himself from the Febreeze puddle, MoMo grabbed some Pine Sol and added it to the death mix.  Finally, after several minutes the spider either drowned to death or was poisoned.  No autopsy was done, so we can’t be too sure which was the actual cause of death.

Battle Two, Wednesday September 28, 2011 – Streak-free Death

The very next day, MoMo was sitting in the kitchen minding her own damn business with a cup of iced wine and book in hand.  From her peripheral view, she noticed something other than the dogs walking around.  She got up to inspect.  What was it? Another fucking spider.  Again, MoMo was shoeless.  (The castle is a shoe-free zone.)  So, MoMo marched to the cabinet under the sink and began weighing her weapon options.  Multiple sprays were at her disposal.  She opted with Windex.  MoMo approached her next victim.  She began spraying.  But this spider was fast.  He used his eight little legs to run under the table.  No problem.  The Windex nozzle sprays far and wide.  He kept running.  MoMo had to chase this bastard down.  The Windex was not fast acting in bringing him to his death.  MoMo left the kitchen, where the spider was at least temporarily disabled, and acquired a shoe.  She placed a napkin over the spider and then placed the shoe on top of the spider covering napkin.  She crushed the remaining life out of the bug.  Then, she got some paper towels to clean the mess she’d made.  The wonderful thing about killing a spider with Windex, aside from the  killing the spider part, is that it makes for easy cleaning of the spider guts.

Battle Three, Thursday September 29, 2011 – Double Trouble

A now-vigilant MoMo again descended to the lower chambers of the castle.  Lo and behold another spider was lying in wait in the same location as the first spider in this series of battles. MoMo once again reached for the Febreeze.  After the creature ceased swimming in freshness, MoMo clean up the remains.  Then, in one of her beloved huahuas’ beds, she sighted an odd large spot.  What was it?  Detective MoMo approached and saw what appeared to be another spider.  This was really too much for one night.  The second spider was far larger than the first one of the night, but he was slower in speed. He also met his demise courtesy of Febreeze.

Battle Four, Saturday October 1, 2011 – Suicidal Spider and Zeus Joins Team Spider Assassins

Fortunately, Friday was spider-free.  But, Saturday morning was not.   In the Garden of MoMo, there is a plastic vat containing water for Zeus’s bathing pleasures.  In said vat was none other than another spider.  He was swimming about in an effort to evade his imminent drowning.  Naturally, MoMo photographed this suicidal spider.  Then, Zeus attempted to reach for the still living bug.   MoMo had to save him from the spider.  First MoMo tried to drop a big rock on the spider.  That didn’t work out.  Then, she secured a frisby.  She placed the frisby over the spider.  Evidently, frisbies float.  So, she retrieved the rock and put the rock over the frisby.

Shortly thereafter, MoMo mama arrived at the castle.  Zeus excitedly greeted her.  MoMo’s mama then said, “Look, it’s one of your friends.”  MoMo moved her eyes towards the ground to see another motherbugger.  MoMo exclaimed, “I HATE these motherfuckers.”  As she said that, Zeus inadvertently stepped on the spider.  Thanks Zeus!!