Generally, I am one with the indoors. I don’t play sports, except for when guilted or bribed into softball by my coworkers. I detest hiking and jogging, let alone running. Part of my aversion to outdoor jogging or running is that I don’t like running to nowhere. Today, sudden and unexpected inspiration struck me. Following is the tale of my outdoor adventure.
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I had gone to the gym in the morning (another activity that I don’t particularly care for but I figure I have to keep my muscles from atrophying somehow). When I went to and from the gym, there was a condition making it even less desirable to be outside: coldness. A few hours passed and the cold subsided making way for sunshine and happiness. I wanted to go to the Coach store. I have a car. Usually, I would step into the driver’s side of the MoMo-mobile and transport myself. But today, today was different. I decided I would ride a bike to the Coach store. Granted, that doesn’t sound so crazy. The thing is that I had not ridden a non-stationery bicycle for more than a minute in over ten years. The last time I had mounted a bicycle was to ride it down the driveway with the purpose of leaving it at the curb so that a more avid rider of bikes could claim it. That one minute was all it took for me to fall. But today, today was different.
I made up my mind. I was going to ride a bike to the Coach store. I didn’t know how many miles away it was. I didn’t know if I knew how to ride a bike without falling. I didn’t know if there was a bike available to satisfy my compulsion. But G*d damnit, I was going to ride a bike today. I ran this idea by my mother. She responded with her standard, “You’re crazy.” She noted that the store is far, there are a lot of hills on the way to the store, that I’d have to cross major highways and that she didn’t even know if there was a bike on hand. She told me to get in my car and go.
Defeated, I grabbed my car keys and went out into the garage. I then spotted none other than a bicycle!! (Mind you, I’ve probably walked past this bike 2039482093820 times because it was right next to my car, but apparently, I’m not a very skilled bike observationalist.) I decided to take it for a test ride down the evil driveway. I should mention that the driveway is sloped (hence, my falling incident was due to gravity, not mental retardation). With some difficulty, I positioned myself onto this two-wheeled (lest you think it had training wheels) vehicle. I have to say, the seat definitely cramped my vagingo’s style. Initially, I was of the belief that braking would be achieved by pedaling backwards. But, I quickly learned that the brakes were on the handles. I made it down the driveway without falling or dying!
I continued my little joy ride within the development for about half a mile until I reached the stop sign leading onto “real” roads (as opposed to the very lightly trafficked streets in my neighborhood). Was I ready for this journey? Damn right. Come hell or high water, I was riding that damn bike all the way to the Coach store and back or I’d die trying.
So, over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house I went. Well, there were no rivers or woods involved and I have no living grandmothers, but those hills and roads I had to navigate were motherfuckers. And, when I say motherfuckers, I mean it in an incestuous, vile, offensive-to-think-of way. There is some hillage* in my development, but nothing could have prepared me for the ones I was to face on my voyage (except for previous bike riding practice, which I obviously didn’t have). But I hadn’t reached those hills yet. As I exited the development, I felt like a bike riding superhero. The wind was blowing through my hair, which was unencumbered by a helmet. The sun was shining upon my pretty little face. I was feeling good. After a few minutes, it was time to make a left turn onto the obstacle course, aka even more heavily trafficked and hilly roads.
To my surprise, I found a little bike lane just for me! (Okay, so obviously it isn’t just for me because the little painted bike person signifying that it’s a bike lane is white, not
pink. Plus, it looks like a dude based on its lack of hair. And, it’s wearing a helmet. Nevertheless, I imagined it was a lane just for me. Don’t ruin it for me.) The superhero feeling continued. Though at this point I had a healthy fear of the motor vehicles simultaneously occupying the road, I had enough room in my little lane to keep enough distance from them. Then, I hit the first major hill. I conjured up the strength to power my mere weak mortal legs to pedal harder. The superhero feel faded and instead, I felt like the wicked witch of the west pedaling through a tornado. At this point, it dawned on me that I was not properly attired for bike riding. I was wearing a pair jeans, which the bike chain mechanism kept trying to seize, a sweater, which was making me hot, a purse on my arm, which was throwing off my balance, and, best of all, sparkly non-sneaker shoes. I suppose if I had gotten stuck unable to ride the bike back home, I could have tried clicking my heels three times and saying, “there’s no place like home.”
After a few of these hills, I got the hang of it. The next major obstacle came in the form of two traffic light intersections on major highways. I can handle traffic lights as a car operator, but it’s not as simple as a bike operator because of the delayed green, green traffic arrow, right turn on red, etc. I had no false illusions that 2000+ pounds of metal could demolish me, so I wasn’t taking chances. I also have limited patience. I observed the traffic light through a full cycle allowing everyone from the four different point at the intersection to do his/her thing. The traffic light didn’t provide for a turn for me, though! So, I looked all different ways, made sure there were no cars coming and that my light was green and crossed. I gave the second major highway traffic lights the benefit of the doubt, thinking the lights there would provide me with a chance to cross. No such luck. I employed the same routine as I had on the first one and made it across alive. BUT, on the other side, there was no bike lane. I was too close to the Coach store to turn back now.
My proximity to moving cars, trucks, vans and SUVs was discomforting, but I had to press on. Not long after my lane had ceased to exist, I reached my destination. I parked the bike right outside of the store, went in, conducted my business and then headed back out for round two.
On the way home, I noticed that I had grown “biker balls.” Remember the healthy fear I had of the 2000+ pounds of metal? Yeah, gone. The road was mine, bike lane or not. I still hadn’t quite figured out the traffic light situation, but again, I made it across alive. I encountered a unique obstacle on the trip back. Once I reached the portion of the road with the bike lane, there was some trickery going on. My experience (limited to this one day) was that the bike lane was on the side of the road. But, some mischievous civil engineer decided to switch things up on this one section of the road. Suddenly, the bike lane went from the side to the center of the street because there was a right turn only lane. Now, worse than this switcharoo was the fact that it happened on a freaking hill. So, there I was on display in the middle of the road pedaling for my life. I wasn’t sure I’d make it through that obstacle, but I am strong and have the will to live. Finally, I made it to my development. Upon entering, I had the option of going left or right (both ways lead to my house because it’s a circle). I couldn’t remember which way had flatter terrain. I rolled the dice and made right. Good choice. I arrived at the sloped driveway and had to pedal uphill one last time. I reached the garage and said out loud, “Like a boss!”
I told my mom of my adventure. At first, she didn’t believe I did it. She asked where I got the bike from. I recounted the details. All in all, my trip was eight miles, literally uphill both ways. To cool off from my eight mile ride, I walked the huahuas. Said walking totaled two miles. Will my walking be impaired tomorrow as a result of my increased physical activity? Only time will tell.
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*Poetic license on the word creation.
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