Someone I know is looking for a roommate. A potential tenant responded with a ridiculous set of questions. My opinion was that the reply should be equally ridiculous. The questions are below.
Buncha questions that I am curious about
How is cabinet/fridge space handled?
How are house chores shared?
What are the house rules about noise levels during the day/night?
Are people in the house more party-types or stay-at-home-quiet types?
Are there any clubs/gatherings that meet at the house?
What are the policies on daytime/overnight guests?
Who does the accounting for rent money, etc?
Are there shared food expenses you’d be expected to contribute to?
How clean/messy are the people in the house and how clean/messy do they expect you to be?
Who determines the house temperature?
Is there storage space for you to use? Closets?
Who handles yard work and are you expected to pitch in?
What kind of tv/internet is available and what are your expected costs?
What are the decorating policies? Nails in walls, etc.
What are your interests?
Thanks
My proposed response:
How is cabinet/fridge space handled?
Efficiently. We are all about optimization of space in this house. Everything must be packed tightly into the spaces to ensure maximum use of cabinetry and refrigerator.
How are house chores shared?
As the saying goes, sharing is caring. We are like the Care Bears here. I’m most like Oopsy Bear. We’re looking to fill the spot of Funshine Bear. Do you think you’d be able to fulfill that role? In terms of chores, we each bear the responsibilities equally in the cleaning. There is no one toilet-cleaning bear or sweeping bear.
What are the house rules about noise levels during the day/night?
Well, I’m glad you asked. I actually have a noise-dar that I use to gauge the level of sound in the house at any given time. The noise-dar is tied to an app on my phone so that even when I’m not there, I can keep tabs on the noise level. After all, noise control is very important to the satisfaction of all of the bear-mates in the house. Acceptable levels are between 6 and 8 during the day and 1 and 5 at night. To avoid any confusion, day hours are 8 a.m. to 9:31 p.m. Night hours are 9:32 p.m. to 7:59 a.m.
Are people in the house more party-types or stay-at-home-quiet types?
So, basically, you’re asking whether the people are party bears or stay-at-home bears? We each have a little bit of both qualities. Sometimes, we’re party animals (specifically, bears) and sometimes we’re more like hibernating bears. But, because of the strict noise control policy, even if we’re feeling party bearish, we respect the noise-dar and keep the levels of sound within the permitted range.
Are there any clubs/gatherings that meet at the house?
Aside from the bear rituals you’d expect, there is one other club that meets weekly in the house. It’s an exhibitionist book club. You may have heard of it. It’s called the “Bare Bears Book Club.” We meet, in the nude, every Friday night from 7:06 p.m. to 9:31 p.m. As you may have guessed, the 9:31 p.m. end limit on the daytime noise levels came about due to this club’s meetings. Sometimes, attendees get very excited about the assigned reading and, thus, may express themselves at volumes falling into the 6 to 8 noise range.
What are the policies on daytime/overnight guests?
As long as the guests respect the noise control policies, they are permitted at anytime.
Who does the accounting for rent money, etc?
I am the accounting bear.
Are there shared food expenses you’d be expected to contribute to?
We all share a common pot of honey. All bears are expected to contribute to the honey pot expenses.
How clean/messy are the people in the house and how clean/messy do they expect you to be?
We try to keep clean, but every now and again, you might find a random picnic basket in the living room with some leftovers.
Who determines the house temperature?
We try to keep the house temperature such that our metabolic rates are processing most efficiently. I have a “dar” to measure that too. It’s called a metabolic rate-dar. Although you may feel it is somewhat invasive, once a week, I will need you to submit to the metabolic rate-dar to determine the best temperature for the house.
Is there storage space for you to use? Closets?
The house is sans closets. I made the decision to rid the house of closets after an incident with a former bear-mate. To respect his privacy, I won’t get into the details. Needless to say, this is why we use the cabinet and fridge space so conservatively.
Who handles yard work and are you expected to pitch in?
The policy on yard work mirrors that of chores.
What kind of tv/internet is available and what are your expected costs?
There is no shared cable and for internet, we use dial-up.
What are the decorating policies? Nails in walls, etc.
We embrace free expression in this house. Please feel free to put as many holes in the wall as there are in a golf course.
What are your interests?
I am interested in love and peace.
In closing, I hope this information wasn’t too much for you to “bear.” See what I did there? When would you like to come see the house?
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