Princess MoMo

Ever since Princess MoMo documented her terrifying encounter with evil mastermind motherbugger bin Spider, she and her loved ones have been under constant attack by members of al-Spida (rhymes with al-Qaeda) terrorist cells.  First, the birds, bees and crickets conspired to disrupt Princess MoMo’s beauty rest and daytime dining.  Second, MoMo’s mama reported a sneak attack on her MaMa-mobile by yet another eight-legged fundamentalist.  And the next two back-to-back confrontations are worth detailing.

On May 2, 2011, Princess MoMo was engaging in her usual morning ritual.  She had gotten so far as to dress herself in undergarments when she heard a knocking on her pink-carpeted bedroom door.  She slowly made her way to the room entrance.  There was another knock.  MoMo is a princess of little patience.  She hollered, “Chill the fuck out, I’m coming.”  She opened the portal to her bedchamber and was greeted by her mother.  MoMo’s mama had captured one of the enemies.

Later that night, MoMo’s mama explained that she had been sleeping with the enemy for the past three nights.  She stated that on night one, she heard a peculiar sound emanating from her bed.  She described it as sounding like three breaths.  On night two, when she laid to rest, she heard the same three breaths.  On night three, you guessed it, she heard the same three breaths.  Being a devout Christian, she assumed that the Holy Spirit had come upon her.  The first breath and the first night represented the Father.  The second breath and the second night represented the Son.  The third breath and the third night represented the Holy Spirit.  But on the morning in question, MoMo’s mama discovered that this supernatural spirit had the attributes of the buzzing, stinging, winged insect, commonly known as a bee.  She seized the heavenly bee in a napkin and brought the divine detainee over to Princess MoMo’s room as described above.

The very next day, on May 3, 2011, MoMo was sitting peacefully at her desk surrounded by 49849656689 pieces of paper, red wells, note pads and paperclips, when she received breaking news via text message of yet another strike.  This time, the attack was launched against Princess MoMo’s precious unsuspecting huahuas.  MoMo’s mama informed her that one of the huahuas, Roxy, was barking uncontrollably while confined by the recently constructed gates of HELL.  MoMo’s mama went outside only to discover a snake in the grass.  Before this serpent could tempt the huahuas to eat any forbidden fruit, MoMo’s mama (as Princess MoMo imagines it) announced, “Enough is ENOUGH! I have had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ castle premises!”  MoMo’s mama then removed her slipper, hit this slithering reptile upside the head and expelled it from the Garden of MoMo, stating (again as MoMo imagines it), “Because you have done this … on your belly you shall go [into this home depot bag][1], and you shall [live in garbage] all the days of your life [which is now over].”[2]

Upon her arrival home on May 3, Princess MoMo conducted a detailed inquiry into the events that had transpired that day.  She began her investigation by questioning her mother.  Questioning of this witness did not reveal any additional details.  She then inspected the serpent-murder weapon and determined that it was a purple flip-flip (photographed above with Roxy the snake charmer) belonging to Princess MoMo.  Detective Princess MoMo then removed the repugnant reptile from its home depot body bag and performed an autopsy.  The autopsy revealed that the cause of death was in fact blunt head trauma caused by two swift flip-flop imposed blows to the skull.   MoMo’s mama saved the day, the huahuas, and the castle by bludgeoning this pernicious prowler.  Thanks mom! <3