Princess MoMo

The inaugural date after over a year hiatus comes to you courtesy of Tinder. Mr. Local Engineer and I matched. Below are the initial messages.

After additional back and forth, we determined that we live in the same town. He asked if I wanted to meet up that night. I agreed. If you recall from my earlier entries, I live in what is considered civilization only because of the abundant strip malls. For all other intents and purposes, I essentially live in the woods. Thus, the options for a quick meet up drink are limited. He suggested Fridays, Applebee’s, or the only local, non-chain bar – Jake’s. I stated my indifference and he chose Friday’s.

When I arrived, he greeted me outside. Likely because I was wearing a suit, I put forth my hand to shake his. Yes, totally awkward on my part. He instead went in for a hug. I would have much preferred to have kept  it at the hand shake. I immediately made my “don’t touch me” sentiments known and walked to the door. He said, “Did you want to go in there and have a drink?” Wasn’t that the point of this rendezvous or did he want to hang out in the parking lot? He explained that he had gone in there and thought the bartender had herpes lips. He said he preferred going to Jake’s. I asked whether I should follow him or just go with him. Jake’s is only about five minutes away. Dumbly, I agreed to go with him. NOTE: Allowing strangers to potentially hold you hostage is not a good idea. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER get into a date’s car.  Yes, this is coming from the girl who got into a guy’s plane on a first date.  Planes are worth the risk; cars aren’t.

We arrived at Jake’s. His drink of choice was a dragon berry mojito. For reasons unbeknownst to me, the dragon berry mojito took about 10 minutes to arrive. Perhaps they were fresh out of dragon at the bar and needed to slay some in the back. Anyway, while we were sitting there waiting for his super masculine drink, he announces that he’s an alpha male. Immediately, insecurity beams began radiating from his direction. A lion need not roar for it to be known that he is a lion. Moreover, prey’s feigned roar will not fool a lioness.

Finally, his dragon drink arrived. He asked if I was hungry and I said no. Conversation was generally good, but little comments here and there illuminated the insecurity beams. He was trying to sell himself way too hard and coming off as too desperate. He directly said he’s lonely and wants a girl to remedy that. Toward the end of the meeting, I asked him if he wanted my opinion. He shot me down with the old “opinions are like ***holes” expression (“everyone has one and they all stink.”). So, I spared him my thoughts. After all, advice unsought is often ill-received.

He said he wanted to order something to snack on but only if I would share it with him. I agreed and he ordered calamari. During our time at the bar, I shared with him that I had posted our Tinder conversation on Facebook. I showed him the comments and he appeared entertained. In fact, he went as far as to emulate a meme that someone had posted on the comment thread for purposes of creating a side by side picture of his emulation and the meme. I also posted several quotes from our date conversation while the date was ongoing. All the while, he seemed entertained and posed no opposition. He seemed to be a good sport. Little did I know this was nothing more than an attempt to gain favor.

We each ordered another drink. Around 9 p.m., he asked if I wanted to go elsewhere. However, the woods don’t offer much in the way of entertainment after 9 p.m. Even the trees are asleep by then. He threw out some ideas, but none were feasible. The moment of reckoning then came: the bill. I offered to split the bill and he agreed. Game over.

One of the most fundamental rules of dating is that the man, especially if he asked for the date, pays. Nevertheless, we split it.

The novelty had faded and I was ready to leave. With that came further illumination of his insecurity. As we walked out to his car (remember, my car was at Friday’s), he said to me, “I’ll delete all of my dating apps right now if you want to pursue a dating thing with me.” I was at a loss for words. While it was nice of him to offer some form of loyalty so early, it was not something of interest to me. He was unsatisfied with my silence. So, I honestly responded, “Don’t delete your apps.”

We were supposed to be heading back to Friday’s, but it seemed much more like we were navigating to awkward city. He was dumbfounded as to why I didn’t want to see him again. My mind started racing. Was I going to have to tuck and roll out of his vehicle? I tried to minimize my speaking for fear that my sharp tongue would land me in a ditch. As we neared Friday’s, he continued to press the issue. At this point, I knew one of two things was going to happen:

1. His frail, bruised ego would overtake his brain, causing him to eliminate me from existence; or
2. His frail, bruised ego would overtake his brain, causing him to say ridiculous things that would make for good blog fodder.

In either event, I thought it would be a good idea to document the conversation. If option one had occurred, the documentation would have provided evidence. Needless to say, I survived! This date was a necessary reminder that people are fucking crazy (but not nearly as crazy as the guy I bailed on that Saturday — click here)!!!

Here is a transcript of the closing conversation (if you’re my Facebook friend, you can hear the live version here):

Me: What are you talking about?
Him: Basically, I want to know your opinion.
Me: No, but I asked you if you wanted to know my opinion about whatever I thought and you said no, and now you’re asking me for it. So, I’m not sure…
Him: Ohhh…so yeah…I don’t know so, I can’t get a read on you.
Me: Why can’t you get a read?
Him: Huh?
Me: Why can’t you get a read on me?
Him: I just…I just…some people I can’t read…I don’t know them well enough.
Me: But isn’t it the case that you don’t know anybody you go out with for the first time well enough?
Him: Yeaasss. But, I mean like, they’ll verbalize. They’ll say, “I want to see you again.” Almost all the time.
Me: (laughing) Almost all the time? That’s what they say to you?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Ok, then you shouldn’t be too concerned with what my opinion is.
Him: I don’t want to be like that.
Me: Like what?
Him: I’d rather you just say to me whether you want to or not. Cuz just say to me what you think. I’d rather you just tell me whether you want to go out or not.
Me: (hesitation) Umm, I think we are at different stages in this whole dating game.
Him: Ok. So that means no.
Me: Yeah, it’s not like a hard no, but it’s a soft no. Umm, I thought you were entertaining, but it seems like you’re at a stage where you’re like, “Ok, I want a girlfriend right now.”
Him: Nooo! I’m not like that, I’m just…
Me: No, it definitely seems like you’re like that.
Him: I didn’t say that.
Me: No, you said that may not…
Him: You’re doing what all the dumb girls do they’re like, “you, you, you.” And I’m telling you that’s not what I’m looking for
Me: Ok, then maybe I’m a dumb girl and I’m not the girl for you then.
Him: Oh my God. Why do you have to put a “you” statement into something? “A YOU look like the kind of guy.”
Me: Because you’re asking me…
Him: That’s why your opinion is wrong. Because YOU assume too much.
Me: No, no, no. You’re asking me about my opinion about you, right? About how…
Him: You’re telling me how I feel.
Me: Ok. I am not ready to be somebody’s girlfriend right now.
Him: I didn’t ask you to be.
Me: Ok. That’s fine.
Him: I just want to know if you want to go on another date since you live [in the same town].
Me: Ok. It’s a soft no.
Him: Alright.
Me: Ok.
Him: So, like, why the fuck you have all this shit on Facebook? Can you like take it down because it’s kind of retarded. Like, you’re acting like you’re my friend, using me for some butt end of your jokes and you’re not taking me seriously like a dumb girl so like it kind of offends me.
Me: Alright, well then you know what, it was full disclosure. I let you know as I was doing it and while I was doing it. I didn’t go out with you for the sake of making a joke.
Him: Well, that’s what you did.
Me: No, it’s not. I went out with you…
Him: You’re just another person here to insult me like that.
Me: Ok.
Him: It’s really not like…I’m a little more mature than that…and professional. And I don’t really appreciate it.
Me: You appreciated it just fine and posed for pictures and took my phone and commented on it just fine until your ego just got hurt, right?
Him: No, my ego isn’t hurt. It’s just fucked up what you did to me.
Me: I didn’t do anything to you. I went…
Him: You didn’t even get to know me. You don’t fucking know anything about me and you want to go making fun of me and shit on Facebook.
Me: (laughing) Ok. If that’s what you think. Well, thank you. I had a good night. I hope you had a decent night too…
Him: So, can you like take it down? Like out of respect?
Me: I will do what I feel is appropriate with my Facebook account. Umm…
Him: You’re kind of being an asshole.
Me: Ok. I hope you have a goodnight. Thank you. It was nice to meet you.
Him: You don’t have to be nice.
Me: Alright. Bye.
[I exited the car…alive!!]