Princess MoMo

Have you ever wondered what an online dating female’s inbox looks like on a given day? Wonder no more!  These are the messages I received on December 30, 2011.  Mind you, I’ve had a profile on this particular site for 10 months, which means that the number of messages has significantly dwindled because many users have already encountered my profile and either chosen to write to me or that I didn’t meet their criteria.  Of course, new members join and that attributes to the continual flow of communications in my inbox.   I responded to none of the messages.  In the “Editor’s Notes,” I explain why.

12/30/2011 1:54:03 AM
Subject: Hi
hey : ) hows it going?? i hope all is well.. you seem like an awesome and VERY gorgeous girl! i love your amazing smile and beautiful eyes. we seem to have a good amount of things in common and i would love to get to know you and see where it goes. hope to hear from you soon. take care : )

pat

[Editor’s Note: A messager’s first chance to stand out is in the subject line.  As you will see below, “Hi” (or some variation of it such as “hello”) is the most common subject line.  A generic subject line isn’t a deal breaker, but it doesn’t add value either.  Next, as you’ll notice after reading through the correspondence below, there is a pattern to the substance, and I use the term loosely, of most of these messages.  Here’s the pattern: Generic and/or  rhetorical greeting, followed by a generic compliment generally related to physical attributes (I usually get comments related to smile and eyes.  Apparently I inspire the inner dentist and optometrist in these specimens or they realize that, “you have a nice ass” will be even less successful than the smile/eyes compliments), and finally the invitation to respond.   All of that is crap and renders my inbox a heap of crap from various crap producers.  If a guy is genuinely seeking a response, he should tailor his message to the profile of particular female to whom he’s writing.  (That is presuming her profile includes some level of detail.  I haven’t seen the profiles of many female online daters, but judging by the men’s and assuming that the ingenuity curve is similar for both genders, my guess would be that many women just write a string of adjectives and other standard nonsense.)  Do women like compliments? Sure.  But when a guy after guy after guy writes, “You’re pretty,” it starts falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes since we’re discussing written communications).  Maybe that makes me sound like an unappreciative jerk.  Maybe I am.  Or, maybe I have an unrealistic expectation that people should look beyond the surface.  He also states that we have a great deal in common.  Really? How about an example, Pat?  No response.]

12/30/2011 4:52:36 AM
Subject: I know I messaged you before
I know I’m prob not ur type but just wanted to tell u that your way to beautiful to be single. Would love to take u out if u were interested

[Editor’s Note: This dude knocked himself out of the running with his subject line and the first sentence of his message (and then with the your/you’re misusage of course).  If I previously ignored him, why would he bring that to my attention?  And, having chosen to do so, he should come in with a save like, “I know I messaged you before…but since then, some circumstance has changed that should cause you to reconsider my potential.”  Instead, he writes, “I know I’m prob not ur type.”  Okay, if you don’t believe in yourself, why would someone else who doesn’t even know you believe in you?  Women like confidence.  His statement is not one of confidence, but, to his credit, he’s being honest and he’s correct in his assessment that he isn’t my type.  Next, contrary to his belief, I’m not single because of my outer appearance.  Naturally, people judge a person of potential dating interest based on the way s/he looks, but that judgment shouldn’t be to the exclusion of personality and other character traits. No response.]

12/30/2011 5:31:26 AM

Subject: Hi
Hello, how are you luv? Jason 34/PA. just wanted to say thought your pic was very beautiful. have a gorgeous smile & features. astonishing skintone & complextion.} Like to talk & know more about yourself? Stay sweet & get back to me.

[Editor’s Note: Note the pattern, again: Generic subject line, generic greeting with rhetorical question, compliments related to physical attributes, invitation to respond.  Note my response: None.]

12/30/2011 10:42:36 AM
Subject: Hi
Hey. My name is Chuck. I’d love to hear from you so drop me a line anytime.

[Editor’s Note: What the hell is this? He sent me a message saying less nothing than usual and expects that it will solicit a response? No, Chuck, that’s not how this works.  What did he write in his message that would prompt me to respond? Oh, that’s right – Nothing! No response.]

12/30/2011 11:30:29 AM
Subject: Hi
hey how are you. whats going on. how is your week going so far? well i was just wondering what would it take to get a reply from this pretty lady. So hope to get a chance to speak to you sometime. Until next time take care and Happy New Year :)

[Editor’s Note: Pattern: Generic subject line, generic greeting with rhetorical question, compliments related to physical attributes, invitation to respond.  Here’s what it would take to get a reply: A more personalized message.  Until then, no response.]

12/30/2011 1:28:08 PM
Subject: hey
Hello how are you like your pics and profile and would like to get to know you and see how things go from there

[Editor’s Note: Pattern: Generic subject line, generic greeting with rhetorical question, compliments related to physical attributes, invitation to respond.  In his defense, he did also state that he liked my profile, but he provides no indication that he even bothered reading it. Fail. No response.]

12/30/2011 2:50:59 PM
Subject: Hi
Hello there, nice pics! My name’s Marc if you’d like to write me ;) I like your sarcasm, haha. Have a nice New year, cheers!

[Editor’s Note: Pattern: Generic subject line, generic greeting, compliments related to physical attributes (“nice pics”), invitation to respond.  At least this one seems to have read my profile based on his statement that he likes my sarcasm.  Beyond that though, his message doesn’t really say anything.  No response.]

12/30/2011 3:12:18 PM
Subject: hellooo

Hello I came across you profile your very beautiful and sound like a great person. How are you doing?

[Editor’s Note: Pattern: Generic subject line (but with a few additional o’s for effect), generic greeting, compliments related to physical attributes, invitation to respond.   Again, note he used “your” instead of “you’re.”  Also, no shit he came across my profile.  That is a given being that he messaged me. Thank you, Captain obvious.  No response.]

12/30/2011 3:41:50 PM
Subject: hi
need any cleaning or a foot rub? bored willing to do whatever i dont need anything. Would you laugh if I’m small? What’s average size to you? Drinks and or dinner on me? Got yahoo?

[Editor’s Note: Pattern: Generic subject line…wait, this one doesn’t follow the pattern.  Instead, he’s a lunatic.  If I were looking for “cleaning,” I would be on a maid service website, rather than a dating one.  If I were looking for a foot rub, I’d be on a massage therapy site.   After that silliness, he presents two penis-related questions.   I have my doubts that such questions are ever appropriate in opening messages on dating sites.   Notably, you may actually be surprised at the number of guys on mainstream dating sites who want to be used, dominated or act as slaves.  It’s fucking weird.  After all of that, he thinks I’d agree to drinks and dinner with (or on) him?!  The only yahoo in this situation is him.  No response.]

12/30/2011 3:44:05 PM
Subject: Hi
Hello my name is Kendel im visiting my family in jersey for the holidays and im about to go up to your area in pa for a few days to see a friend im want to hangout with a female while im up there if your interested let me know

[Editor’s Note: It really seems that some of these guys forget that it’s a dating site.  This one appears to have mistaken it for an escort service.  Believe it or not, there is a difference.  Also, thankfully, I don’t live in PA.  Finally, he’s another one who is not versed in the uses of “your” vs. “you’re.”  No response.]

12/30/2011 4:17:43 PM
Subject: Hi
sooooooooooooooo sexy baby ;) lets chat sexy ;))))))))))…………………………………………………

[Editor’s Note: Some of the buttons on his keyboard seem to be sticking.  No response.]

12/30/2011 7:25:18 PM
Subject: Hi
How are u. You seem pretty cool I hppe we can talk.let me know if you are interested let me know

[Editor’s Note: He pretty much adheres to the pattern described over and over again above.  No response.]

12/30/2011 11:41:19 PM
Subject: Hi
Wow, I must say that your profile was by far one of the most interesting. I would have never figured I would have to take a basic skills English test. I can imagine it probably is tough to meet people and I guess you have to set some kind of bar. Well at least it also serves another purpose, I can imagine it weeds out the plethora of messages you must receive.

[Editor’s Note:  He deserves a response, but he didn’t get one yet.  You know why? Because I was exhausted after reading that day’s idiotic messages.  I do plan on thanking him, though.]

Conclusion: Based on the almost uniform adherence to the “pattern,” I’m left wondering whether these guys all use the same bullshit message generator, kind of like those magic 8-balls that people ask a question and then shake up for a response.