Princess MoMo

Specimen: I have been staring at your picture speechless and in awe for the past hour or so. That deep gaze in your eyes, your perfect smile, all of your features just seem to all come together so well, almost angelical in a sense I suppose. The reason I am writing this is to let you know that I think I have found the most beautiful woman to grace us with her presence on our planet, and I am of course talking about you. I know this might mean absolutely nothing to you, and you probably get many of these types of messages/posts on okcupid and in real life BUT please understand that I am being as genuine as ever when I say that you are the ultimate dictionary definition of perfection, and I hope that one day God can bestow me with a woman as beautiful as you, I would be forever grateful. I hope that this message finds you well, I do not care if I get a response to this, I am just simply stating the obvious and had to let you know how I really felt.

MoMo: How many girls buy that?

Specimen: If youre accusing me of copy and paste then I’ll have you know I write from the bottomless pit of love known as my heart where I would cherish you for all eternity and have our souls entangled into one singular being where the mere sight of you would completely drive me into a euphoric coma just for the fact that I found you so absolutely irresistible in every way shape and form as you turned my ups to downs and lefts to blues causing me to lose sense of time and reality.

Then yes, it is a unique take on copy and paste.

MoMo: Hmmz…so you have a prepared response ready for when women question your initial message. Clever. They say third time is the charm. Let’s see what else you have in store.

Specimen: Sweetheart, all I wanted to say I find you very attractive. If I got to know you, I would invite you over for a romantic dinner and as soon as you arrived, I would pull you close and whisper in your ear “I have a swanson tv dinner in the freezer with your name on it” and then I would proceed to fill a wine glass with welch’s grape juice

MoMo: You had me at Swanson…

Specimen: Ok enough with this small talk. We’re just wasting both our time acting like we are enjoying this. I can’t hold it in any longer. I started off by declothing you in my mind, then we proceeded to kissing slowly moving down to each other’s private areas. You were getting pretty heated at this point I don’t know if you were thinking straight but you told me to hog tie you to the bed and punish you and you also said to grab the army men out of the game closet, needless to say I obliged. This is where it got a little weird. I asked you where you wanted it and you said,” Blow in my belly button, trudge through it with the army men and act out the D-day invasion.” Now I’m sitting here with my penis in hand curious to what that might be like. So if you’re down to put our own spin on this momentous historical event I can swing by Toys”R”Us on the way over. Are we going to pound this thing out or are you going to let my Womb Warriors die another meaningless death at the hands of my fap sock?

MoMo: I suggest you write R.I.P. on that sock.

Specimen: Ok seriously,
I’m Pete. I enjoy long, romantic walks on the beach, cooking a romantic dinner and eating by candlelight. Afterwards I enjoy sipping champagne while laying in front of my roaring fireplace on my goatskin rug ( I killed the goat with my bare hands last June in Summerset) until we fall asleep in each others arms. I’m also a stunt driver on the weekends. We should get to know each other.

Signed,
Your Future Husband

MoMo: What the fuck, Pete? How many of these canned messages do you have?

Specimen: It’s straight from the heart sweetie. But I have to get back to the fam. now so I’ll talk to you later. Be sure to leave your name and if you really want to be bold, your number. Later beautiful ;)