Princess MoMo

Before you rush to judge someone else, ask yourself, “Am I a sober monk?” If the answer is no, don’t judge.

You see, I don’t have many natural flaws, so I drink so that I will have a vice. Levels out the playing field. I’m really doing it for others. I’m an altruistic drinker.

One girl, ten cups.  (re: beer pong)

I would apologize to everyone I drunk dialed last night, but the fact of the matter is that you all should apologize to me for not answering. Tsk tsk.

Mean what you say and say what you mean…otherwise, shut the fuck up. Silence is a blessing and honesty a virtue…I am urging people to bestow more blessings upon the world or to become more virtuous. Mean? No.

If you’re waiting for an occupied bathroom and you’re hoping the person within will shit or get off of the pot, sometimes the best course of action is to seek a different bathroom because the person on the pot may be so full of shit that s/he doesn’t know what to do with it.

If you’re waiting for an occupied bathroom and you’re hoping the person within will shit or get off of the pot, sometimes the best course of action is to seek a different bathroom because the person on the pot may be so full of shit that s/he doesn’t know what to do with it.

This weather is like dating. You go out one day and it’s awesome…it feels great and you think it’s going to last forever, or at least for the week. Then, the next time you go out, it just doesn’t feel right…too cold, or suffocating, or includes unwanted precipitation etc.

Leave it to my to a sharer of my genetic material to come up with beer pong re-rack formations that I’ve never even imagined.

Jessica: I like men in uniform.
Me: I like men in suits: business suits and birthday suits.

Paralegal: “I should just get a tshirt that says ‘Go fuck yourselves.'”
Me: “Can you get me one too?”
Paralegal: “Sure. I’ll buy them in bulk.”
Me: “I’d like mine in pink…a pink baby tee.”

I’m reviewing medical records and one record states: “Mental Status Examination: Unremarkable.” Interesting because that’s how I often feel after examining the mental statuses of individuals I’m dating.

I love the nice weather, but you know what this means, right? People are going to start polluting the newsfeed with their undesirable swim suit photos.

Multiple cases on which I work related to sewers and sewage…so basically, I read about shit all day.

When my role as a lawyer crosses over to that of a therapist, headache ensues.

Factors that contributed to making date with rebound guy unsuccessful:
1. He was wearing a shirt
2. He was talking but not really saying anything
3. The whole time I was wishing I was asleep

Talking to an indecisive human being is like trying to swim in cement.

Tattoo shop employee: This looks like a combination of a sparrow and a parakeet…a sparrowkeet. Me: Look at you…you invented a new species…we’ll call you Darwin. Tattoo shop employee: Is that the one who made dogs drool? Me: No. That was Pavlov.

Incompetence: It’s not only an attitude, it’s a way of life.

Loving conversation between siblings:  me: I can’t open this can. Do it for me. Brother: are you retarded? This is a special can opener so that even people with arthritis can use it. (After he struggles with it for a while.) Me: I guess you have arthritis…of the brain

So I’ve been reading a lot of status messages about the macroni rascals aka jersey shore morons filming in italy next season. Maybe it’s the american government’s super awesome scheme to deport them.

Having a monkey on my back wouldn’t be so bad if the monkey massaged my shoulders throughout the day.

It’s like I’m married to the government and every year I have an almost $40,000 wedding funded by me in honor of this unholy matrimony.

I assumed that after seven months of silent treatment, an individual would comprehend that A.) I’m dead or debilitated; B.) I’ve changed my phone number, email address, linked in account and facebook account; and/or C.) I no longer wish to communicate with said individual EVER. Evidently, that assumption is wrong.

Before (or while) consuming some spinach, lettuce or other similar types of food, have you ever wondered whether a farm worker urinated on the land on which the food you’re ingesting was grown? You could be ingesting human urine byproducts. How do you feel about that?

When I was younger, I suspected that many of those around me were less than competent. However, I was optimistic that as they aged, their brains would develop. My optimism is gone. As it turns out, they’re hopeless idiots.

Yesterday, I had a dollar and a dream. Today, I woke up with a shattered dream and one less dollar. :(

Winning is like smoking crack: addictive.
Losing is also like smoking crack: a habit you don’t want to get into.

Chocolate truffle bomb cake – today’s healthy alternative to committing homicide.

There’s a phrase in the legal world, “two bites at the apple,” which basically means that a person/litigant/party/etc. shouldn’t have two opportunities to contest/claim/litigate/etc. the same thing. It’s a stupid expression though because how often does a person take just one bite of an apple…surely, that would be a waste of an apple.