Princess MoMo

Yesterday, during my regularly scheduled facebook perusal, I stumbled upon a status message about an unenjoyable ongoing date. The status message poster was looking for a way to dump his date.  Being the humanitarian that I am, I offered a suggestion.  See below.

Status Message: Douchebag date: wow, you're one sexy soy sauce surprise! I want to take u home and smother you up!

Me: not a big fan of soy sauce…teriyaki sauce is better.

….I should be going home but he's paying for my Max Brenner dinner…hmmm how do I dump this asshole? Suggestions are welcome :)

Princess MoMo: Suggestion: You write a summary of the date, allow me to post it on my blog and send him the link.

Status Message Poster: Deal. I'm a big fan of your blog!

Later that night, the status message poster inboxed me a summary of his date. 

The Date Summary (in his words):

Here's the summary of my date! I wrote it up as soon as i got home so I wont forget the details:

So I met this guy online (okcupid.com). I have had a lot of success with this site in terms of great dates, most turned out to be friends of mine up to this day.

Clean cut, 6’0’’, very athletic looking, boy-next-door guy messages me and wanted to meet up in person right away. I figured why not? I suggested Max Brenner because I love all things chocolate. Plus he is a lawyer…he will most likely pay instead of a financially crippled grad student.

Douche comes in, yells at the hostess because she forgot to write down his reservation, and then proceeds to talk to the manager. I intervened saying it is ok, we can wait…it’s only 10-15 minutes.

Douche: “don’t speak for me, im starving and I cant wait that long.”

Me: “well if you’re that hungry, there’s always a mcdonalds across the street.”

::blank stare from douche::

Hostess: “ok, a booth just freed up, follow me.”

Douche proceeds to remove my backpack from me (weird) and gives me a hug from behind and whispers: “you’re one sexy soy sauce surprise…I just want to take you home and smother you up!”

Me: “not a big fan of soy sauce…teriyaki sauce is better..”

Douche: “you’re a riot! Where have you been all my life? Seems like all the twinks I go after are pretentious queens.”

Me: “I have been in New Jersey all your life and as far the pretentious twinks? You are in Boston after all.”

I asked him about his job, family, hobbies, blah blah…and after EVERY single topic, he ended it with a sexual innuendo. He was very succinct with his answers…he wanted to take me home after all and wanted to “get it in” as Snooki would say.

His life summary:

–           only child

–           Momma’s boy

–           Not out to his family

–           Moves a lot

Me: “yes can I have a side of beans with my steak?”

Douche: “are you sure you want beans? Don’t want you being constipated in the sack tonight.”

::Gay waiter gives douche evil look::

::I give douche a murderous look::

Douche proceeds to talk about…what a surprise…sex positions..

He proceeds to ask me what my favorite position is and I just replied, you’ll find out tonight wont you? I gave him a wink.

Me: “you know that okcupid is a dating site correct? There are other hook-up sites such as manhunt?”

Douche: “yeah but you’re just so fucking hot I wanted to fuck you so bad…you should come over here and feel my huge boner.”

Me: “why don’t you ask for the check now so I can feel it at your place.”

Douche: “yeah you’re right but it’ll be hard for me to wait til we get back…there’s the Westin a few blocks from here…I’ll get us a room for the night.”

Me: “what am I a go-go boy? …but I guess you only live once, right? Why not!”

Douche: “great! Here is my credit card and give it to our waiter…this dinner is on me! Let me go wash up in the bathroom.”

As I watch him try to hide his apparent erection, the waiter comes up and says: “I used to date him…he’s an incredible guy…I met him on seekingarrangements.com and he took good care of me.”

Me: “Oh really? How great! Here is his credit card for the check.”

I run out of the restaurant and headed for the nearest train stop. Of all the things I would expect to meet in a dating site, a sugar daddy sure wasn’t one of them.

Princess MoMo…I wish I’m making this up…I don’t know if I feel relieved leaving him or scared he might hunt me down. In the end, free Max Brenner for me!

I wrote the details in the train so I wouldn’t forget them.

Feel free to edit this in whatever you would like…this is my summary of this horrific date. Enjoy!