Princess MoMo

5:30 a.m. – Princess MoMo awoke because her auditory system was accosted by one of the most wretched of sounds.   No, it was not that of her alarm.  Nor was it cannons blasting outside of her castle.  It was birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds.  MoMo reluctantly left the comfort of her bed to close the window nearest to her.  Despite this closure, the mating calls of the feathered creatures could still be heard.  MoMo had no choice but to prematurely wake up.  When she arrived at her place of employment, one of MoMo’s colleagues reported to her that an al-spida (rhymes with al-Qaeda) terrorist cell member, led by evil mastermind motherbugger bin Spider, attacked his motor vehicle that morning.

Before

After

12:30 p.m. – Because of the superb weather, MoMo and her lunch buddy decided to consume their afternoon meal outdoors.  Far be it from the elements of nature to leave them undisturbed during their dining.  A black and yellow winged insect began buzzing around MoMo’s pretty little head.  It then had the audacity to place its body on her hand.  MoMo was not pleased.  She rolled up a paper plate.  Her lunch buddy asked, “What are you doing?”  MoMo replied, “I’m handling this motherfucker.”  Princess MoMo waited for pesky bee to land and then brought a world of hurt on the unwelcome lunch guest with her makeshift weapon.

9:30 p.m. – After dealing with the birds and the bees during the day, MoMo sat down to narrate her tale of woe.  But there was a problem.  The botanical by-product blend in the air afflicted her eyes causing unbearable dryness.  MoMo persevered and wrote the blog post notwithstanding her visual impairment.  (You’re welcome.)

10:00 p.m. – Finally, at the point of exhaustion from fighting with the flora and fauna that conspired against her, Princess MoMo attempted to sleep.  But she couldn’t.  Why?  Because a symphony orchestra of  crickets was performing outside of her dwelling.  If nature were as MoMo intended, the crickets would contain toxins poisonous to birds.  Further, the timing of the mating melodies of these two sleep-pilfering pests would be aligned.  Therefore, the birds, hungry from exerting effort waking up MoMo, would swoop down and consume the chirping crickets.  As a result, the crickets would be eliminated.  Shortly thereafter, the ingested toxic crickets would cause the birds to collapse.  Finally, MoMo would once again be able to sleep.  But then there would be a bunch of dead birds everywhere which would be gross.  So, let’s modify this a little bit.  The toxins in the crickets would cause the birds to spontaneously combust into infinitely small pieces that would not be noticeable to the human eye.  Then MoMo would be able to sleep and not have to worry about stepping on dead birds once she set foot outdoors.  Perfect. The End.