Princess MoMo

To review Part 1, click here.  To review Part 2, click here.

EMAIL FROM PRINCESS TO SPECIMEN

Introduction: It just seems that there is no progress since I have met you. My heat is still fucking broken. And the guy has changed the thermostat THREE times. And just to clarify, my responses are the ones highlighted in pink :)

my nuts are better. while having essentially an opposite mental and emotional connotation than your opening, it too is a great opening line. I thought it necessary to tell you, because with my recent healing I feel as though I just stopped pms’ing. It is amazing what healthy balls will do for a man’s mental state.

What was wrong with your nuts? That is an essential question if I am to even consider ever going near them again. And frankly, I would prefer a Dr.’s note not just a note from your mom saying they’re fine now.

That paragraph probably doesn’t have much to do with what is to come, but subconsciously, since I am in a happy/more pleasant state of mind, I am sure some effect will trickle into my response. With all of that said, these are in no way standard things that won’t change with the slightest amount of rational thought as I, to quote the intelligible Kelly C., change my mind more than a girl changes clothes. I hate her, by the way, and think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. So, on to the numericized points.

Nothing to respond to in this paragraph.

1. What I bring to the table is neither fake nor stupid. Please do not make false allegations toward my contributions to our relationship for personal gratification. In doing so, the terms used are now applicable to the actions coming from your end. Let it be noted, that I said actions, not directly you.. I don’t think you are either fake or stupid, rather I prefer terminology along the lines of cute and smart. Lastly, you were the one who put ‘normal friends’ on the table. Indian giver. Native American style. I have no knowledge on the trading practices of people from India or the East Indies.

Yes at face value, I am an Indian giver but I can argue my way out of this one. For a contract to be valid, there must be an offer, acceptance, and consideration. I made the offer (and if I felt really mentally inclined right now, I would argue this point but as I am not so inclined, I won’t because there’s a simpler argument and I subscribe to the “work smarter not harder” way of life), you accepted, BUT there was no consideration. And I actually detailed that in point 1 in the original novel length email. Proceeding on the assumption that you aren’t fully familiar with what consideration is (as you shouldn’t be because if you are, you’re super lame), here’s a brief elaboration. Actually, here’s the wiki link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consideration So the relevance of point 1 in the original is that I find no value in the “friendship” you have to offer and therefore there’s no consideration and without consideration there isn’t a valid contract and without a valid contract I’m not necessarily an Indian giver. Not to mention, I’m Middle Eastern which is pretty much dispositive (legal term not a typo or princess-coined word) of me not being Indian. Also, in return for your invitation to call you selfish (see 6b – i’ve taken the liberty to letter your subparts under 6 for ease of reference), I will now allow you the same opportunity by saying the following: As far as the giver part goes, ehh…not so much…I would much rather receive.

2. The difficulty of such a friendship is agreed upon. I really enjoy kissing your face.. and the body attached there to. The standard of attractiveness you have set is also agreed upon. You look good, no arguing that point. Please see point 6 for the other people/agreement thing. You mildly lost me with the horse reference. Either way, it is unfair to the horse to cast aspersions against his intellectual capacity because you have negated a deeper understanding of his being. I will however, take you calling me a horse as a compliment. Steed-like.. Endowed.. Enjoys spending time outdoors.. Qualities that I agree I share. Bilharzia.. good/humorous choice of water contracted illnesses. Unless you are shipping the water in from Africa, I think the horse is safe.

First and foremost, I am glad you picked up on my intentional choice of illness. In fact, I almost sent you a text, after you said you received the message, pointing out the disease’s relation to the Nile River. Luckily for both of us, despite not sending that text, my humor was not lost on you. But one thing, I’m not shipping the bad water in the analogy…you are…the “others” are the bad water and you’re choosing to drink from it. I’m good water. Also, nice spin on the horse but if it’s stupid and dehydrated or worse dead, the rest doesn’t matter.

3. I’ve come to learn your non-fencedness in regards to essentially everything. I like that about you. I do appreciate the walls going up and coming down. Don’t think for any second that I don’t. But if it ends up the walls stay how they were, we might have to build an addition on the top of the vaginal wall to prevent 6’6″ big penised men from scaling it. Although, the automatic call alarm, while ineffective, was a nice touch.

Alright. So the 6’6″ guy thing is funny – really funny…i would go as far as to say the high point of your response – but I explained that to you several times. In the interest of putting it in writing one last time, I will explain again – even though you’re maybe thinking that you didn’t ask for an explanation and you don’t care. And this explanation may be relevant to your point below (see 6d) – but I’m not sure yet because I just think of these things as I type so there’s no real way to predict whether it will be applicable or not. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it and if it comes to that, I’ll just put “(see 3)” under 6d. So here is exactly what happened that night and what led to it and also some of what was going on in my head starting on Nov 15. I will lay this out in chronological order in an attempt to make it coherent. (Also this will be good documentation for future reference – although my mental head calendar diary serves the same purpose, this will at least serve as a cross reference).

Chronology of our fucked up relationship (and I am at liberty to use that phrase because you coined it including the word relationship – though I probably don’t have the email to substantiate that…you probably do though and please don’t start tampering with evidence in an attempt to leave me evidenceless)
Nov 15 – PTOS dinner. I don’t remember talking to you at all. And not because I was blackout drunk yet that night (actually I didn’t blackout at all that night), I just don’t store certain interactions because otherwise I would run out of memory very quickly and my head might possibly crash. This is what I remember from the interaction with your group: I remember Gary very clearly because he was the drink tickets man…so how could I forget him?! The way to my heart is through my liver…but I digress (shocker, i know)…I remember taking the stackup head pictures with you guys and then I think I wrote our names on a paper for one of you while using the person as a [i’m at a loss for a word here – this doesn’t happen often]…as a ?board? to put the paper up against so that i could write. I don’t know which one that was.
Nov 16 – We (you + me –> clarifying to avoid pronoun usage questions) became facebook friends. And I think it was this night that I commented on your book picture…you can verify that on facebook though because it may have been the next day.

Nov 17 – The facebook banter kicks off in full swing. This is when you used to be attentive to me and promptly respond unlike 3 weeks later when you got lazy with it and would take two fucking days to respond to one sentence…and that’s if you responded at all…no I’m not bitter…at all. So this was a Monday night and this is when I made mention of you to Larry. I said you were funny and kinda cute – I didn’t appreciate the full level of cuteness because all I had were pictures and you suck at those. And I even said, wow this guy seems like a reasonable human being as opposed to the neanderthals with nuts that I’m used to
Nov 18 – You sent the fb message about getting together on Thursday – I was out of town – So we set Dec 5 as the date.
Nov 19 – We gchatted and aim chatted for the first time! This was probably the ONLY time you gchatted with me while not at work…I think you weren’t at work…but you can correct me on this one. From this point, we gchatted fairly frequently until mid dec when you basically didn’t give a rat’s ass about communicating with me. (this is a build up and will lead to a point at the end…it’s not just wasted verbiage)

Dec 1 – This was the first time I seriously considered outing you but as it turns out, you were on an outing – yes, hunting. Not that I hadn’t considered dropping you before that (for some of the reasons you mention in point 6 below – mainly 6b and 6c reasons). I WAS PISSED. And now is a good time for me to say this: You are pretty Princess-intuitive, but I’m sure there are certain things I say/do that you think are random/arbitrary/disproportionate to the stimulus (or what you think is the stimulus) but at the beginning, I held back a lot despite that not being my general protocol. You may ask why. Or you may not ask why but I’ll tell you anyway. Well, the purpose of the advisory board is not to think for me. I generally know exactly how I want to proceed with things in my life. But I am an overwhelming and at times extreme person so I bounce some of my ideas off of the advisory board to see if they are within the normal bounds of social interaction or more within the scope of the princess momo bounds of social interaction. They all said I should be patient and wait for an explanation. Patience –> not my strong point. Whatever, so you come back and give me the hunting story. Fine. So we proceed with our then-routine gchatting. But to tie the advisory board explanation with your princess-intuitiveness, you don’t know me all that well because you weren’t getting the full me (the full me is for long time members only and definitely not for trial memberships).  And frankly, I don’t know you at all because I think I thought you were something that you’re not – how’s that for philosophy?

Also, because I’ve never seen the real Fishman in his natural habitat. I have a tendancy to get carried away in fantasy. When I meet someone, I think the world of them and all they can do is disappoint because sadly, no one is perfect and my standards are generally too high and too rigid.

Dec 5 – We meet “again.” But it was like the first time for me. It’s almost like the first time everytime for me because I don’t remember much of our interactions as a direct consequence of the amount of alcohol I consume. Maybe that’s why I like you….you don’t get old because I don’t remember it…interesting theory. 

But the point is I was an amazing girlfriend to him. It was the first guy I was ever faithful to (but not the last so I now can demonstrate a propensity for faithfulness – this also goes to point 6d below) but what I did wrong was that I sacrificed way too much of myself for someone who DEFINITELY didn’t deserve it, didn’t respect me, didn’t appreciate me, underestimated me, and brought me to my breaking point…and then stalked me…and then I filed for a restraining order. I know I’ve told you part of this story but I feel the need to bring it up again for 2 reasons. 1. That shit was 2 years ago…actually a little less…It ended finally in May 2007. And as you can imagine, being a person who finds it difficult to be vulnerable to others, having the person on the receiving end of my vulnerability be a monster didn’t do much for my desire to open up to anyone again…EVER. 2. After his stupid ass, I got with another one who initially was wonderful but I just didn’t ever feel the sparks with him and it didn’t work out, so that was that…but I was a faithful gf in that situation – though not really a GREAT gf because I was done being a great gf for a while. I reverted back to some of my old ways 4 months after things with serious grad school bf #2 ended. Yes, and that brings us back to the giant. So, what we’ve learned is that princess was vindicative in her college days. She changed. But then she kind of changed back. And now she’s in limbo? But the 6’6″ guy thing was a spite move coupled with a sabotage attempt. Here’s how it went down in my mind: You hurt Princess (intentionality and severity are not accounted for in my head). Princess wants to hurt you and/or get you out of her life so he can’t ever hurt her again. Princess chooses her target – a gigantic target. And you know the rest… I guess what I’m saying is i didn’t do it because I wasn’t happy with you at that point. I did it to hurt you – wait, that sounds bad…umm I did it so that you’d never talk to me again…wait, that sounds bad too…but yea. Lame, immature, and stupid but simple…pretty much the recipe for most defense mechanisms.

Okay the chronology is going to stop here because that gets to the point addressed under this section and I’m tired of thinking. But I want to tie together the “bitter” remarks from above at some later time…a time that isn’t now.

4. I didn’t think either of those things. Especially the latter. Especially since most fish don’t actually have sexual intercourse. The female lays the eggs and then the male later fertilizes them. Not much enjoyment there. See point 6 for further elaboration.

Unless you super remember chemistry, you may need take a quick glance at this to fully appreciate the next analogy:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covalent_bond#cite_note-0

The analogy I will utilize here involves comparing relationships with ionic and covalent bonds. Ionic bonds involve the complete transfer of electrons to form two separate ions. At first glance, that may seem cool…contribution by both, yet two separate and distinct ions. And if you stop the analogy there, that’s great BUT one of the ions is positively charged and one is negatively charged. In the science world, I guess that’s fine. But in the princess analogy world, the world I’m operating in while writing this, that’s not cool. Why? Because both contributed but one ends up with negative shit. That sucks. I don’t want to be the negative ion. So, on to the covalent bonding portion of the analogy. Covalent bonds are the strongest chemical bonds formed through the sharing of a pair of electrons. Now, again, on first glance doesn’t suffice because initially you might think, “hmmz…sharing of electrons huh? that sounds a lot like codependency and codependency is bad”…that’s not where I’m going with this…so don’t think codependency. As you can see in the wikipage for covalent bonding, it is described as “attraction-to-repulsion stability that forms between atoms when they share electrons is known as covalent bonding.” I particularly like the “attraction-to-repulsion stability.” Fitting for my view on men. Anyway, it gets deeper. Bond order – only applicable to diatomic molecules – perfect for the analogy here because I’m talking about a relationship between two people not many people (no not subliminal messaging you – just making sure the analogy flows as logically as possible). [Right, so back to this. I had to take a break because I was engaged in an intense facebook battle.] Ok…so bond orders…umm…yeah, well there are different levels based on the number of shared electrons.

FINALLY THE POINT: I don’t want all of your electrons. But I do want some and I don’t want other people being covalently bonded to you or me. Or even ionically bonded.

5. I’m not an economics major.

Neither am I. Poor cop out.

6. So here’s the deal. I like you. I enjoy our interactions. My lacking of laying fish eggs with you comes on the basis of a several different factors, some of which include:
– a The first and foremost, yes, I’m confused about everything and rediculous.

I am not the captain of the not confused train. But here’s what I am not confused about.
1. I like you. I know I don’t know you very well but the whole “chemistry” thing is there on my end with regard to you. I don’t know if you feel the same way but if I had to guess, I would say you do…and I’m basing that on the fact that I’m fucking awesome….oh yea, and because you said it right up above…that too. Umm but I don’t have “chemistry” with most people. Very, very, very few numerically and even less percentages wise. And we’ve discussed this before too but a main reason is because I think you’re a lot like me and i really like me…so if princess = Fishman and Fishman = princess and princess= likes Fishman, by virtue of the transitive property of equality, Fishman = likes princess (we may have done this equation before? I remember sending you something like this the day I was at the store paying for the camera that preceded the pink one..but I think that equation was about you being genuine or gaming me and about how gaming = mad princess…)
2. If I like you, I cannot hook up with other people for several reasons. Actually I shouldn’t say “cannot,” instead I should say, would not want to…insert that in the previous sentence in place of cannot.
a. I would feel guilty <–that’s another one of those emotions I have been unsuccessfully trying to rid myself of for years
b. I don’t feel the need to because you’ve been adequate so far has been adequate
c. I would inevitably tell you about it because I have a difficult time with the whole filter thing
3. If things did continue, here is how I feel about you hooking up with other people and why…and this isn’t the standard reasoning that most people subscribe to (I drunk explained this to you around 6am on Sunday):[omitted from blog]
-b In many other aspects its because I don’t want to get hurt. Call me selfish, but deep down inside there is a fragile kid who is scared of putting himself out there. Unless the dragon ate him. I haven’t checked in lately since I gave him a years supply of m&ms to live off of months ago.

You started this email by stating you had healthy nuts. But from the sounds of it, you have no nuts at all or they’re the size proportionate to the fragile kid inside…or the dragon ate them along with the kid. Part of the reason we may be in this “bind” right now, may be a simple misunderstanding on my part. I’m not in love with you but as I said in 6a1, I don’t find many people (even just as humans) that I click with (and trust me I meet tonssss of people on a daily basis). So what I maybe not understanding or misinterpreting is whether you always click with everyone. You have a lot more of an accomodating personality than I do so I would imagine that allows for increased clickability. The point: I don’t want to just throw it away over stupid shit but if you don’t care and you’re not willing to “take a chance” (yes gay but I it’s what the writers suggested) or if it’s just something you find everyday, then I understand. Now, I’m not sure what we’re “taking a chance” on. And I think the writers have had 2 months of undue influence from ad board members because Princess minus two months ago WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. My wall was up higher than ever and then blocked by another wall etc. But whatever, I mean how much can this suck? We’re both funny so no matter what “emotions” we’re feeling, we’ll convey them in a funny way. And as long as I’m amused, I’m happy.
-c You are leaving in a couple of months. And in the last however many months we’ve known each other, we’ve hung out three times. [granted – vacation, etc..]

Here’s my take on this one. Initially, I didn’t even want to bother with Dec 5 because I was thinking…hmmz…I kind of like this guy online…so what if I like him in person…it’s stupid and pointless because I’m leaving. But I’ve changed my mind about it. Instead, I like that I’m leaving. It gives us a definite end point to work with and the end point isn’t so far away that we’ll be irreversibly consumed with emotion for one another. And yes, we’ve only hung out 3 times. But see that’s the other thing, let’s say we hang out another time, and it sucks, fine…then we never hang out again. What’s the problem?
-d While erasers are on all pencils because everyone makes mistakes, the sexual debacle when we were starting out definitely isn’t helping.

See Dec 6 in Chronology above under your point 3
-e The term mutually exclusive gives me nervous belly. While I’ve dated several people since I was in a serious relationship, you’d be the first for the next level. Bare with me.

Take tums and get over it.

CLOSING ARGUMENT:
Well there isn’t really one. I know it seems like I’m demanding you to be my boyfriend but I’m not. I hate boyfriends with a passion. The word sends chills up my spine.

I just don’t want to walk on egg shells anymore with what I say/do meaning I don’t want to have to hold back because my ad board says things will scare you away and whatnot. Judging by the fact that you’re still around, you don’t scare easily. I think I said this in one of my drunk series emails, [REDACTED]. Would you want to hurt my small fragile princess child inside? And really, I don’t get why this is hard and I’m kind of disappointed you didn’t respond to the opportunity cost point. [REDACTED]

PS – There’s a whole tirade I forgot about. But despite my prolific email writing skills, I am done for today at least on any substantive level.