My online dating profile garners much attention, both positive and negative. This post focuses on the motives of the naysayers. I am going to put on my pseudo-psychotherapist hat and provide my theories as to why a Headstrong Asshole That Exhibits Rudeness (“HATER” for short) would write unconstructive messages to women.
Theory One: A HATER’s sense of self-importance misleads him into believing that a stranger on the interwebs cares about his opinion. As the saying goes, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.” But, let’s delve deeper into this analogy. Almost all assholes serve a meaningful, biologically necessary purpose. The same cannot be said of opinions. Moreover, just because a person’s asshole serves a meaningful, biologically necessary purpose for him/her personally, it doesn’t mean that the person needs to share his/her asshole with random strangers. The fact of the matter is that strangers are not likely to care about the assholes of people they don’t know, unless they have some sort of fetish or the asshole is unique, enlightening or humorous. But let’s be real, most assholes are not unique, enlightening or humorous; they stink. The same is true of opinions.
Suggestion: If HATERs want to share their assholes (read: opinions) with the world, they should create a blog and spew their shit there. (Case in point: princessmomo.com.) Psychological warfare with this type can be quite amusing because often times they come to battle ill-equipped. (Click here for an online dating exchange example of this approach.)
Theory Two: The second group of HATERs may suffer from a psychological construct known as a Savior or Messiah complex. The Messiah HATER, otherwise known as Jerk Expecting Worship (“JEW” for short),[FN1] thrives on “saving” people, irrespective of whether such salvation is sought or actually necessary. JEW identifies, or creates in his mind, problems with everyone and sees himself as the light of the world. In JEW’s mind, whoever follows him will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.[FN2] He is judgmental and condemning, but not with malicious intent.
Suggestion: If one either does not recognize/acknowledge that she is in need of salvation, or in fact, is not in need thereof, JEW and his righteous rhetoric are of no value. This type is usually not worthy of response.
Theory Three: The third category of HATERs includes Boys Insecure That Chicks Hate ‘Em Sexually (“BITCHES” for short). To compensate for their own insecurities, BITCHES attempt to depict and perceive female specimens as evil and/or worthless monsters.
For example, if one of these BITCHES is perusing a dating website, and he sees that a female specimen is attractive, intelligent, ambitious, etc., and then he reads her profile only to find out that he does not fit her dating criteria, his brain converts that perceived rejection into loathing for that female specimen. In order to rationalize that loathing, his brain must believe that she is a monster. To buttress that belief, he writes her a HATERific message with the subconscious hope that she will 1.) ignore his message or 2.) write back in a defensive manner. Either of these two reactions on the female specimen’s part will support the BITCHES desired disdain for her. If she ignores him, she’s perceived as too stuck up to take the time out to respond. If she responds defensively she’s perceived as too aggressive and combative.
Suggestion: The optimal response to BITCHES is a short and sweet one. This approach throws a wrench in the HATER’s psyche. The foundation upon which he has villainzed the female specimen has been cracked because not only did she respond, but she did so in a positive manner. (Click here for an online dating exchange example of this approach.)
Side note: The application of these theories is not limited to online dating. For instance, here is a true story about real life (as opposed to cyber) BITCHES. The preceding discussion focused on BITCHES’ preemptive reactions to perceived rejection. The following tale highlights BITCHES’ post-actual-rejection response.
Once upon a time in 2006, Princess MoMo was walking down a Jersey shore street, minding her own business. A motor vehicle approached her and slowed down its movement. The passenger of this vehicle began trying to “holler” at her. Princess MoMo approached the car. The passenger became visibly excited about what he thought was going to be positive reinforcement of his childish behavior. Princess MoMo proceeded to ask him, “Do you have any CDs in the car?” He smiled and said, “Yes.” She said, “Good. Why don’t you take one of them, crack it in half and slit your wrist with it?” His boys broke out into laughter, but he was not as amused. His response, “You’re ugly anyway. Fuck you. [Blah, blah, blah].” Classic BITCHES scenario. Guy spits weak game at girl. Girl calls him out on his nonsense. Guy becomes hyper-defensive and insults girl.
(For a mild example of a cyber interaction exemplifying post-rejection BITCHES behavior, click here.)
Theory Four: The fourth type of HATER addressed here is the Boy Utterly Lacking Love-Life-Lessons Yet (“BULLLLY” for short). BULLLLY is a physically grown version of the kid on the playground who pulls the pigtails of the girl he likes. BULLLLY attempts to capture the attention of the female specimen by doing things akin to throwing rocks at her. BULLLLY’s antics are nothing short of immature.
Suggestion: BULLLLY should directly be called out on his BULLLLYshit. Here’s an actual example:
Specimen: The more I’m looking at your profile, this whole thing is a mess. Perhaps we should meet over coffee and
work on it together.
MoMo: I don’t like the whole “bring her down a few notches and then ask her out” approach.
Note: The specimen in that example is also exhibiting JEWish tendencies. Which brings me to the final point that there are HATER hybrids. (Click here for an online dating exchange involving a HATER hybrid.)
THE END