Inspired by the creation of a new online dating profile on PlentyofShit, I wrote a new profile narrative. My old one isn’t too shabby, but let’s see what kind of response the new ones garners.
Once upon a time, in a strange far far away land known as New Jersey, there lived a maiden by the name of Princess MoMo. One day, MoMo created an online dating profile. Many suitors sought the affections of this genetically desirable, fertile female. But sadly, among them were hobgoblins, gnomes, trolls, elves and incompetents. None of these creatures appealed to the preferences of MoMo. These unfitting characters were interested only in her long, black locks, captivating eyes, luxurious skin and inviting smile (and, of course, her striking modesty), ignoring her unique inner qualities.
One morning, as is her custom, MoMo stared into the mirror and said, “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, this can’t be the quality of them all. Please turn around my luck and send me one who doesn’t suck.” Not surprisingly, the mirror didn’t respond. (The lack of response is good. You’d have to question MoMo’s sanity if she perceived that mirrors were talking to her.) Anyway, in an effort to avoid becoming a spinster, the young maiden continued her cyber quest for Prince MoMo. She took a cue from Santa Claus and made a list. You should check it twice to see if you’re disqualified or nice.
Prince MoMo must:
1. be very intelligent, with a mastery of third grade grammar. Prince MoMo would not dare confuse “your” with “you’re”!
2. be between the ages of 26 and 37 in human years. An aged and infirmed prince won’t do, neither will an unripe prince.
3. never have been married. Having ex-princesses in the picture is undesirable.
4. have no children. Princess MoMo fears becoming an evil step mother if subjected to spawn not of her own flesh.
5. be of 5’11” or greater stature.
6. not be a drug user. Crackhead princes need not apply.
7. be financially stable. This criterion is meant to eliminate student princes, unemployed princes, and barely making ends meet princes.
8. not be a womanizer. If you enjoy dabbling your ding dong in different princesses on a regular basis, please move onto the next kingdom. In other words, just because this is written like a fairy tale, doesn’t mean that it’s all about a “happy ending.”
Caution: Princess MoMo’s pet dragons will destroy false impersonators of Prince MoMo. Well, they’re not quite dragons, but they’re very vicious chihuahuas!!
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Your “likes” and comments are encouraged and appreciated. Thanks.
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