Princess MoMo

Why not to write in your online dating bio:

Here are the most cliché things I’ve observed on Bumble, a dating app similar to Tinder except that it requires women to initiate contact and has an expiration time on matches.

1. Looking for a “down to earth” girl. – Really? Do these men frequently encounter women over whom the force of gravity is no match? They’re suspended in air orbiting somewhere outside earth? “We all float down here!”               
2. Profiles entirely consisting of emojis. – Listen, I’m not trying to decode your modern day hieroglyphics. Use your words.  First of all, they’re super small.  So, it strains my eyes.  Second of all, literacy is appealing.  So, show off your grammatical prowess.
3. Profiles consisting of flags or a list of where you’ve lived/traveled. – Again, what’s the point? Is it so that I can ensure that I have all the necessary, up to date immunizations to come into contact with you in the event you’ve traveled somewhere where you may have contracted Dengue Fever or the like?
4. “Wanderlust”/ “loves to travel.” – These individuals claim their passports have more stamps than the US post office. How unique. No one cares.
5. “Just ask.” – Profiles that state nothing other than “just ask” are useless. Just ask what? Is this an invitation for a random interrogation based on the exactly zero information provided? Are there any questions that are off limits? Here’s what I want to know: Mother’s maiden name, last four of your social, first car, first’s pet’s name, first roommate’s name, high school mascot, city you were born. Once I have those answers, I’ll let you know if I have further questions.
6. “Let’s say we met at the grocery store.” – Chances are, if these people are on a dating app, they using a grocery delivery app. So are we perpetuating the “how we met lie” by claiming one of us is a grocery delivery person?
7. Pictures with dogs, nieces, and/or nephews. – “The kid’s not mine, it’s my niece.” Stop exploiting small children or cute animals in an effort to lure in your prey. It’s like the modern day “kandy” handed out from an unmarked white van. How many people swipe right to meet your niece or nephew? Zero. The only potential benefit in providing such a photo is to display the exterior genetic product of someone related to you. As for the dog pics, if it’s your dog, then ok. If it’s someone else’s dog, what’s the point unless it’s a super awesome picture?
8. Group pictures. – No one is trying to play “Where’s Waldo” when browsing through profiles. No one. If I have to guess which one you are in the first pic, left swipe. Also, in the event you do post a group pic, make sure you’re the tallest and hottest one in said picture otherwise, you’re doing yourself a disservice. 
9. Dumbass quotes. – “Work hard, play hard.” “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” How original! Other than your employer, your bank, and your credit card companies, no one is interested in how hard you work or play.
10. Good Will Hunting and Anchorman bios. – In these profiles, users describe themselves as a janitor who does math problems by night in the school in which they work or state that they have many leather bound books. Neither is true and this ain’t a movie, dawg. So, unless you’re trying to communicate that you have Asperger’s like the protagonist in Good Will Hunting probably did or that you are a total jackass like the one in Anchorman, delete that nonsense and write something original.
11. Uber passenger rating. – Why is this a relevant piece of information? Who is seeking a “driving Miss Daisy” arrangement on these apps such that your performance as vehicle passenger would be informative? Your credit score, or even your SAT score, is much more telling.
12. Two truths and a lie. – How about all truths and no bullshit. That would be better. 
13. Critics’ reviews. – “Best guy ever” – My Mom “Awesome date” – NY Times. No. Unless you’re willing to provide references, that self-aggrandizing junk is a no-go.
14. Partner in crime. – Soooo, we’re opening seeking accomplices now? Looking for the Bonnie to your Clyde? Personally, I’m looking for a fellow law abiding citizen. I’m not seeking to involve myself in a real life, literal prisoners’ dilemma.
15. “Love my family and friends.” – Wow. This may be the most impressive statement of all. How novel. You’ve bonded with those closest to you? Incredible. I’m more concerned with someone who hates their family and friends because that person may be a sociopath and that’s the kind of thing I want to know early on – interestingly, the sociopath may be an excellent candidate for “partner in crime.” But if you’re a standard human who loves your family and friends, it’s really not worth mentioning in a profile limited to 300-500 characters.
16. – You’d swear that in NYC many of these guys live in caves and hunt and gather their food rather than overpriced studios where they rely on Seamless and grocery delivery given how much they love the outdoors. Dude, there’s barely grass in the city. Where do you hike to? The nearest subway stop?
17. List of adjectives and other meaningless phrases. – “Funny, smart, love to laugh.” If you’re funny and smart, write something that’s cleverly hilarious. If you love to laugh, you’re pretty much like all other people ever in the world. Have you ever met someone who is staunchly against laughing? Yeah, me neither.
18. “Looking for a workout partner.” – No, I’m not going to spot you at the gym. In fact, I’m not even going to go with you to the gym because I’m never going to meet your mundane bro ass.

In conclusion, many of the items listed above (e.g., love of travel, love of family, dumbass quotes) are better depicted through photos. For instance, if all of your photos are in varies countries, the viewer will be able to gather that you love to travel. Moreover, all you do by employing the clichés above is make yourself as unappealing as the rest of your competitors. Stand out. If you, nevertheless, insist on being cliché, rather than cutting and pasting the same boring drivel that appears in profile after profile, simply write, “I’m a basic bitch in search of the same to do basic things with basically ever after.”