Twenty-nine days ago, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the whole entire world. Twenty-nine days ago, I checked my inbox expecting standard garbage, including emails about pills to enhance body parts I do not have, coupon offers for shit I don’t want to buy, and other similarly meaningless messages. But, 29 days ago, there was something special in my inbox. That something was a message from you, Stephen Oronsaye. You addressed me as “friend.” You assured me that your request was legitimate and not a SCAM. You shared links portraying yourself as a well respected diplomat. After that introduction, you solicited my assistance and promised me an exorbitant amount of money in return. I can’t help but believe this was all a cruel, elaborate ploy, a SCAM, if you will. I should have seen the signs sooner. Red flags, instead of a green and white Nigerian one.
And then, just like that you’re writing me off? Has our relationship run its course? You know what I felt like when you said I “do not have the capacity to handle a transaction of such magnitude”? I felt like I failed a paternity test on the Maury Povich show. In case the Maury show is not broadcast in your part of the world, let me describe it to you. The Maury show routinely features women uncertainly claiming that a particular man is the father of their progeny. The man adamantly denies being the genetic contributor to the spawn. Maury, being the good Samaritan that he is, runs a DNA test to ascertain the truth of the matter. Maury receives the paternity test results in an envelope, an envelope much like the one I suggested you send me an advance in. He opens the envelope slowly and says, ” You are…” Then there’s a long, awkward pause. The suspense builds. Then, he either says, “NOT the father” or just “the father.” If it’s the former, the man is ecstatic. Sometimes, if it’s a particularly excitable man, he’ll do a joyous dance. Anyway, needless to say, your words made me feel like the latter — a man who Maury just informed, “You ARE the father.” No one wants to father a bastard child, Stephen. No one.
Before I knew of all of this scandal clouding your name, I asked you to help me help you. You provided very little guidance as to the assistance you sought from me. You know, a little respect can go a long way. But the amount of respect you gave me is only enough for me to go a long way away from you. I shared intimate details about my life and feelings with you. I tapped into my creativity to create a logo for your sham campaign. I enlisted the
talent of singers to serenade you. For goodness sake, a web designer created
a website for YOUR “campaign.” My God, Stephen, why didn’t you just take my soul while you were at it? You might as well have. Apparently, you just don’t have the same regard for me that I have for you.
Even though our relationship is clearly at its end, I hope we can still be friends. If not real life friends, then maybe facebook friends? Oh man, that just reminds me of my offer to create a Skype account for you. This hurts so much. I may love you, but I don’t know that I’m IN love with you anymore. It’s like I’ve been living a lie for the past 29 days. A VICIOUS LIE!!! Now you’re just somebody that I used to know. I’m sure now and then, I’ll think of all the times you screwed me over and believe that it’s something that I’d done. But, I don’t want to live that way, reading into every word you say. I wish you luck in seeking a “more capable partner.” No one is going to go to the lengths I’ve gone for you, Stephen. No one. Remember when I told you about the song “Friend Like Me” in the movie Aladdin? Well, friends like me don’t just come along everyday. There’s a part of the movie I left out in my original description. When Aladdin gets a hold of the lamp, he becomes BFFs with the Genie. Accordingly, he promises the Genie that his third and final wish will be to free the Genie from his lamp servitude. As I mentioned in my earlier message to you, 10,000 years in a lamp can have quite an impact on the neck, so the Genie was genuinely looking forward to being set free from the lamp. The antagonist in the movie, Jafar, confiscates the lamp from Aladdin, rendering the Genie at his mercy. Obviously, because Jafar is the villain, he has no intention of freeing the Genie. In the end, and again, I don’t mean to ruin this amazing movie for you, good triumphs over evil and magic saves the day! Please, Stephen, let magic save the day between us. Write me back and let me know what I can do to help you. Please. I want to set you free from your lamp and I want to live happily ever after.
Maury. Lol.
Did you enjoy that?
Yes!! I love the entire exchange. Brilliant.
::slow clap::
I found myself singing a Gotye tune. Holy goodness!! It was an entertaining start to my day. Thank you for the Steve saga!
Im sorry he broke up with you Momo. :(
Ben Rifkin – I’m still a bit torn up about it, but time heals all wounds.
This whole series has made me laugh all over. Working the Gotye lyrics into the last one was a nice touch.