Princess MoMo

Preface: The confession is somewhat anticlimactic.  So if you’re disappointed at the end because you were expecting something juicer,  don’t say you weren’t warned.  

Introduction

Once upon a time, in late 2005, Princess MoMo became acquainted with one known to the MoMo cyber world as Robocop.  Despite MoMo’s deep-seated dislike for the boys in blue, she maintained relations with him because of his geographic proximity to her place of residence and his ability to provide her with PBA cards.  (Lesson #1: People have purposes.  Identify their purposes and exploit.  This may sound cold, but it’s effective.)  For the first several years, Officer Robocop was aggressively, but inconsistently making efforts to search and seize the goods in MoMo’s pants.  But MoMo would not grant him a warrant to do so. 

Anyway, this meaningless cops and robbers game continued for years.  Every so often, Robocop would initiate text contact with MoMo by messaging her, “Hi,” which she hates.  However, he would sometimes catch her in times of boredom, and therefore, she would respond.  (Lesson #2: Persistence is key.  It will either result in a specimen achieving his desired result, or having a restraining order filed against him.  It’s a fine line.) 

PBA Card Negotiations

In 2011, the relationship between MoMo and Robocop changed.  Prompted by a March 5, 2011 vehicular stop by the police (which did not result in a summons), on March 18, 2011, MoMo solicited a PBA card from Robocop.  Not surprisingly, Robocop proposed a salacious exchange.  MoMo declined.  However, she still wanted the PBA card.  In the past, if MoMo were persistent enough in her requests, she was able to obtain these “get out of jail free” cards from Robocop.  This year, though, Robocop was being particularly obstinate about giving her what she wanted.  On April 13 and May 5, the MoMo-mobile was again apprehended by the police.  Fortunately, MoMo talked her way out of getting tickets on these occasions.  MoMo pressed Robocop for a PBA card. 

Finally, on May 7, he showed up at Princess MoMo’s castle with the highly coveted card.  BUT, MoMo was distracted with other guests and did not retrieve the card in time.  L  Three days later, on May 10, the MoMo-mobile was once again pulled over!!  This time, she received a summons for the most bullshit of things – allegedly driving over the yellow-lined island while merging from the right lane into the left turning lane.  MoMo 100% believes she did not commit this offense, but the cop was under a different impression.  MoMo dealt with that ticket by going through different channels in the legal system. 

FINALLY, on May 23, MoMo secured a PBA card from Robocop and has not been apprehended by the police since then.  (Lesson #2.5: Keep asking and eventually, you shall likely receive.)  This also marked the last time Robocop made an overt in-person effort to put the moves on MoMo.  He tried to kiss her, but she turned her head.  (Lesson #3: They can be tamed.)

Behavioral Change

After the arduous PBA card negotiations, Robocop’s behavior suddenly changed.  On May 30, he texted MoMo seeking to hang out.  Of course she was skeptical, and rightfully so.  The details of that meeting and the immediate aftermath are contained in a prior blog entry.

 (In short, Robocop and MoMo went to the movies, no advances were made, but the following night/morning this text conversation took place: 

10:58 p.m. RoboCop:  Sooo can we occasionally use each other to relieve sexual frustration? I’m bored

3:47 a.m. MoMo:  No

8:29 a.m. RoboCop: Oh well

7:38 p.m. RoboCop: Don’t let my text from last night make shit awkward, I was bored as fuck and the question couldn’t hurt.)

The following day, Robodick texted MoMo again with his standard vacuous opening message of “Hey.”  MoMo was fed up.  She called him, gave him a piece of her mind and abruptly hung up when she had spoken her piece. 

About 18 minutes later, as if he had taken the time to recover from shock, he texted MoMo, “What was that?” 

MoMo: ?

Robocop: Why so short with me

MoMo: Because you’re a dickhead

Robocop: Why cause I find you attractive and late one night I let one stupid question slip? I’m sorry

MoMo: No that’s not why actually.

Robocop: Then why?

MoMo: Didn’t I just explain it in the 6 minutes and 24 seconds I spent on the phone with you?

Robocop: Yes

MoMo: So why are you asking me again?

Robocop: But are you still all pissed at me or was the lecture the end of it

MoMo: I’m disappointed in you

Robocop: What why?

MoMo: Because I erroneously thought you were advancing from trash to a recyclable good.

Robocop: You were correct in your assessment, this was a minor speed bump

Twenty-three days elapsed before these two again corresponded.  The following day, Robocop took MoMo out on his motorcycle and the two conversed over lunch.  Robocop, for the first time in 5 years, began being honest with MoMo.  He also didn’t try coming onto her at all.  And then, the communication ramped up.  Texting became far more frequent, though not more substantive.  And face time substantially increased.  The two saw another movie together and grabbed drinks a couple of times in a very short span of time.  (Lesson #4: Changes in communication patterns = red flags.)

MoMo started becoming suspicious.  During one of their get-togethers, Robocop revealed that he had been on and off with a girlfriend for the past 5 years.  That revelation explained his sporadic contact with MoMo during that time period.  But it didn’t fully explain his sudden bff-ness with MoMo.  The texting frequency continued to increase.  MoMo was almost convinced that she had established a platonic relationship with Robocop.  He was even her call of first resort one night when she was experiencing human emotion (a rare occurrence) as a result of another specimen’s missteps. 

Then came a suspect request from Robocop. 

His proposition, “I was thinking, in all seriousness you should come over and spend the night sometime.  No funny business, just curling up and falling asleep I promise.”

MoMo: Why

Robocop: I thought it would be nice, just something I miss

Robocop: Its up to you, no big deal

MoMo: …

Robocop: Ok lol like I said, I have no ulterior motives on this one

Robocop: Why are you suspicious?

MoMo: Because I’ve met you

Robocop: Ok fair point, but I’m over tryin to get in your pants.  I get along with you so much better that way

MoMo will not be partaking in any such “curling up and falling asleep” business.  (Lesson #5: Just as a rose by another name would smell just as sweet, a lecher under the guise of some bullshit rhetoric would take of your flesh just the same if given the opportunity.)

The Confession

The rate of text and hangout reached an all time high and MoMo’s spider senses were tingling out of control.  She attributed Robocop’s hyper-attentiveness to his loneliness.  But one Tuesday night, she sat down to have a few drinks with him and he said, “I have a confession to make.”  (Lesson #6: Prefacing with lines such as “I have a confession” or “I haven’t been completely honest” is advisable when the lie is not something earth shattering because when those words are uttered, the listener’s stomach immediately knots as the mind inevitably imagines worst case scenario; therefore, the impact when the truth is delivered is less severe as long as it is better than the worst case scenario.)  Robocop’s next words were, “I’m not a cop.” 

What?  How could he not be a cop?  MoMo had known him for 5 years.  His specimen nickname is Robocop.  He’d given her PBA cards with his name on it.  He had a shield in his car.  What the fuck did he mean he wasn’t a cop? 

MoMo sat quietly waiting for him to answer these questions that were racing through her head.  He stated that he was laid off in September.  That explained the increased communication (he now has more free time) and his hesitation in providing her with a PBA card.  He told MoMo that he felt bad lying to her, but that he thought if he told her the truth in March when she wanted the PBA card, that she wouldn’t have talked to him anymore.  He proclaimed that he deserved points for finally telling the truth and that MoMo should be honored that he actually felt bad about lying to her because he rarely feels bad about being a decepticon.  MoMo granted him no such points.  She highlighted how elaborate his lie was by directing his attention to texts from the previous day in which he was complaining about how the heat was unbearable in a police uniform.  He had also made up bullshit work schedules in the weeks that the two had been hanging out.  Overall, MoMo was not phased by the fact that Robocop had chosen to lie about this topic.  She understood that losing one’s job is not a pleasant thing to discuss.  She also wasn’t that shocked because she always perceived Robocop as a douchebag and it’s not surprising that douchebags lie.  However, MoMo was taken aback by the lengths Robocop took to maintain this lie.  Over the course of at least 4-5 months, he had, unprompted and adamantly fueled this lie.  (Lesson #7: Don’t trust anyone.  Not even your mom.)

The End