I don’t write these stories; they practically write themselves. Once upon a time, I attended a reputable institution of higher learning. While there, I met Mr. Crazy, Esq. We weren’t best friends and we weren’t lovers. One might categorize us as kind-of-friends, at best. I’ll explain how we met later in the story. Anyway, one […]
Young Covid – Part II
Went viral in March, made you shelter in place Had you relegated to your cellphone and cyberspace Deemed you nonessential, Put you in crisis, beyond existential Turned commercial into residential No more parties, solitary confinement is preferential Don’t touch the surface, because it has infectious potential Stacking up cases, super sequential Underestimated my potency and […]
Young Covid
I’m Young CovidWhen you see me,Stock up on TP.I cripple the world with fear,Like the end is near.Can’t contain my spread,Ya’ll on ya knees; pandemic head.Coming, unsanitary, without warning,Despite your sanitizer hoarding.Wear a mask or not,You’re still gonna get got. I started out in ChinaNow I’m fuckin’ worldwide vaginaFrom Australia to North CarolinaI’m the new […]
Mr. Buffalo Bill
Mr. Buffalo Bill and I Bumble matched and exchanged some decent banter. Because we live near one another, we agreed to meet for a drink. I presented my exit strategy pre-meeting, notifying him that the drink would have to be quick because I had to go walk my creatures. I spotted him seated at […]
Mr. Halloween and Mr. Hashtag
Mr. Halloween and Mr. Hashtag It’s been a while since I’ve regaled you with my dating tales and misadventures. To make up for lost time, I will introduce you to two characters in this entry. It was a cold Halloweeny October 31, 2017. One we will call Mr. Halloween and I matched on Bumble. Messages […]
Online Dating Clichés
Why not to write in your online dating bio: Here are the most cliché things I’ve observed on Bumble, a dating app similar to Tinder except that it requires women to initiate contact and has an expiration time on matches. Looking for a “down to earth” girl. – Really? Do these men frequently encounter women […]
Shout out to Traitor Jo’s Friends…
Stuck in my business like in a dope fiend’s arm, a needle Thought by now you’d have overdosed, too much MoMo’s lethal You’re toxic and shitty, matter of a fact, you’re not friends, you’re fecal Bet you’ve been refreshing my site, searching for some more, a saucy sequel You can’t get enough of this rhyming […]
Traitor Jo Rap
Honesty is the best policy, but your pathology had you chronically lying to me, now you come with an apology for the distorted and twisted chronology, but it’s not genuine, much like reverse psychology, time to clean up that shit, call it a cleansing colonoscopy No hard feelings or bad blood, bet you can relate […]
Social Experiment: Have a baby by me, baby
Introduction: This report discusses a social experiment exploring the willingness of men to father (and, ideally, co-parent) a child with a female they’ve never met and know little to nothing about. The objective of the experiment is to test male people’s willingness to fully abstain from “soul mate” interaction or traditional parenting paradigm in agreeing to create […]
Online Dating Greetings: Don’t Cockblock Yourself
“Hi.” “How are you?” “How’s your Tuesday?” “How was your breakfast?” “How are your holidays?” “You’re pretty. I’d like to get to know you.” “We have a lot in common. Let’s chat.” Garbage. Landfill quality, non-recyclable garbage worthy of no response other than, if at all, “thanks for the trash.” Think about it. If […]
Epic Rap Battles of Online Dating: Picasso
Picasso2015 11/26/2016 8:32:32 AM Report this message for inappropriate content It’s too early for this shit, but im a real MC too legit , Sucker for a challenge, I guess that’s my talent, middle eastern roots, so you know I got game, I’m on one like Khalid but I ain’t on snapchat for the fame, […]
Mr. Traveler Part III
Click here for Part I Click here for Part II Day 3 The following morning, I left before he did. Neither of us knew what the other was up to that evening, which was fine because, after all, we were merely host and traveler, right? He wasn’t home when I arrived from work. Shortly thereafter, […]
Mr. Traveler Part II
Click here for Part I DAY 2 I hate mosquitoes, but my woes with mosquitoes had not yet begun at this point. So, we’ll save that passionate tirade for another time. On Day 2, I woke up and prepared myself to go out into the world to be adult as fuck. (MoMo to English translation: […]