You know, maybe I am too picky. With all of these wonderfully qualified, eligible bachelors that contact me on the interwebs, there is no other plausible explanation for the fact that I’m single. Oh wait, yes there is. The bachelors aren’t actually wonderfully qualified; they’re ridiculous (not in a good way). Today’s most eligible bachelor […]
Online Dating Fails: PlentyofShit – Four Hours in the Inbox
The popular online dating website, PlentyofFish, or as I like to call it, PlentyofShit (“POS”), abruptly canceled my profile. My guess is that my “suspicious” activity yesterday of opening every one of the multitude of messages in my POS inbox for purposes of extracting blog fodder tipped them off. I wrote to them inquiring as to what they […]
Online Dating: Smile
Specimen: hey how are you? i really like your smile alot :) do you have aol or yahoo so we can talk?? Analysis: Please note, “a lot” is two words, not one. Next, why would the fact that he likes my smile compel me to chat with him? I analogize this message to the expression, “Nice […]
Online Dating Fails: Ethnic Smile
Specimen: Hello there! I hope all is well! You have a nice smile. What is your ethnicity? Analysis: I’ve been getting a lot of compliments on my smile lately. I thought it was limited to online crap, but I was out this weekend and some guy stopped me to tell me how dazzled he was […]
Online Dating Fails: Another Marriage Proposal
Specimen: hey wats up.. you have a beautiful smile. can i marry u ? i already bought your ring and wedding dress! Analysis: But, he doesn’t know my dress or ring size! In all seriousness, this message isn’t clever or appealing. It’s not even original. Here are examples of others who have suggested marriage in […]
Online Dating Fails: Graffiti Nation
Now, I usually don’t post pictures of the specimens who message me, but as the saying goes, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” I’m not in the mood to write that many words, so here are 2000 words worth of pictures, plus a few words. Tysofly: HEY HOW U DOIN Analysis: Regardless of his […]
Online Dating Fails: Bullshit Grammar, Great Legs
Sometime ago, I broke down the online dating haters into four categories. Can you identify which category this one falls into? (Click here for the “HATERs” post.) Hater: You are nuts what maters is you are able to make a connection on a computer and talking and meeting not the grammer bullsh*tyou have great legs […]
Online Dating Fails: Tell me the truth
11/30/2011 1:23:37 AM Subject Line: tell me the truth you do seem almost as awsome as me 12/12/2011 12:36:24 PM Subject Line: tell me the truth nice tan nice tan ——————————————————————————————————————————————- Analysis: Here’s the truth: You suck and I’m not writing back to you. ——————————————————————————————————————————————- Your “likes” and comments are encouraged and appreciated. Thanks. ——————————————————————————————————————————————-
Online Dating: A day in the online dating inbox (December 30, 2011)
Have you ever wondered what an online dating female’s inbox looks like on a given day? Wonder no more! These are the messages I received on December 30, 2011. Mind you, I’ve had a profile on this particular site for 10 months, which means that the number of messages has significantly dwindled because many users […]
Online Dating Fails: Five times the messages, five times the failure
11/29/2011 10:18:32 AM Subject Line: friends with benefits Hi, I’m Kyle. Check mine out and let me know what you think. Thanks 11/29/2011 11:14:49 AM Subject Line: 2nd try Hi, I’m Kyle. I like your profile and I think we would make a great match. Please check mine out and let me know what you […]
Online Dating Fails: Valentino
Specimen: Hello, I would like to take a moment and write here in this message, just to let you know that I went through your profile and pic and I liked it. I would like to know more about you. My name is Valentino, I leave and work in Manhattan. I know this and other […]
Guest Submission: Mr. Marathon Runner Part II
Click here for Part I December 29, 2011 Female Friend: So I get a text message last night while I was out cold with this fucking cold and it’s of the dish he was suppose to make for me tonight.. So basically he’s enjoying it while it’s hot and I am suppose to enjoy his […]
Online Dating Fails: Great Conversationalist
Specimen: Hi, how are you, Im Randy nice to meet you, just came across your profile and I think you look great on your pictures, Im very easy going and def. I can hold a good conversation, so it would be nice if we could get to know each other, even if it means just […]
Online Dating Fails: Just saying hi
Specimen: hi..I am kinda new at this online dating thing but thought you where cute and just wanted to say hi.. ——————————————————————————————————————————————- Analysis: This message is analogous to walking up to a female specimen at a bar and saying, “I’m new to dating, you’re hot, but I have nothing else to say.” It doesn’t fly. […]
Online Dating Fails: Does anyone get this joke?
Subject Line: Well, Hey, Look at You Hey girl hey, I just stumbled on your profile while I am sooooooooooooooooooo not busy at work, but so is the life on a Monday during this unpredictable weather, and I thought you seemed very very interesting, not to mention very good looking and I’d love to see […]