Princess MoMo

8:25 PM Bob: and how is the love of my life?

me: tired

8:26 PM Bob: poor baby

me: can’t you become a super billionaire and marry me?

8:27 PM Bob: i’m working on bebe

*on it

8:28 PM me: hurry

Bob: gonna take a lil time

i’m not a GW prince or jr. oil baron

i have to earn my money

me: fine

8:31 PM Bob: sorry bebe

me: :(

Bob: you were at GW

you could have taken the easy way out

i’m going to be a while

8:32 PM it’s going to be at least 5 years before i start my own thing

me: what easy way

i didn’t find anyone worth marrying

and my first year i was dating a loaded guy but he was such a douchebag

worst guy ever

8:33 PM Bob: yeah, but you want me to get rich to support your lifestyle

how is that any different?

other than i’m not a total douchebag

just a loveable asshole

8:34 PM me: i don’t think you’re an asshole

Bob: aww

aren’t you a sweetheart

8:37 PM awww

you should move back to DC

apparently even though there were no men, you had more fun

8:39 PM me: true

and there are no men here either

plus it’s not fun

8:40 PM Bob: wow

time to move back

you owe it to yourself

me: i should

Bob: i’d offer you to stay at my place

but it’s not in DC

8:41 PM me: sigh

8:42 PM Bob: Joe’s moving in with his horse soon

so i’ll have an open room

8:43 PM but honestly, i kinda want the house to myself

but i might make an exception for you

8:45 PM me: horse?

Bob: his lil lady friend has a huge gap in front teeth

so i say she has horse teeth

so i call her horsey

not in front of Joe though

he’s wifed up

they’ve only known each other 4 months and are already planning on moving in together

8:46 PM and have already been on several vacations together

he’s met most of her family and extended family

he plays with kids and shit now, totally un-Joe like stuff

he stopped chilling with everyone

pretty much he became a huge queer

8:48 PM me: HAHA

did you tell him a horse is a horse of course of course unless it’s mr. ed

also, have you ever asked her, “why the long face?”

Bob: nope

8:49 PM Joe is crazy defensive

this kid i tutor

he’s a freshman

asked Joe if she gives good space jobs

and Joe didn’t get it

and i just kept biting my lip

me: haha

Bob: finally he just looks at Joe and goes, do you stick your dick in the gap between her teeth

and the kid starts laughing and Joe’s face just turns red with anger

8:50 PM and he tells the kid if he says shit like that again he’s going to throw him out the window head first

so the kid starts laughing

me: hahahaha

Bob: and then he goes, oh, wait. you’re serious

i didn’t know you were so defensive. sorry.

8:53 PM i thought it was hilarious

i think it’ll be funny when horsey and Joe procreate

8:54 PM they’ll give birth to lil centaurs

the fast ones will enter in horse races like the kentucky derby

since they’ll be jockey and horse

and be lighter

and the slower ones will be in lord of the rings and those narnia movie sequels

8:57 PM me: hahaha

8:58 PM you should tell him this

it’s hilarious

Bob: not worth it

he’s going to get all pissy and defensive

and he’s on the lease until the end of the month

8:59 PM plus he still has access to all my financial records

so i want to keep things as kosher as possible

9:01 PM me: lol

where did he meet her

9:02 PM Bob: his co-worker’s bday party

she’s his cuz

she’s 31

9:03 PM she’s ready to settle down and pop em out

her last bf was also her same cuz’s co-worker

me: she’s his cuz?

oh the coworkers cuz

Bob: yeah

9:04 PM me: are there pics of her on Joes page

Bob: look at his main pic

that’s horsey

she’s not even attractive either

9:05 PM me: yea i saw her

she’s alright

Bob: same kid who made the space job joke

made a drawing of her

with her concave chest

9:06 PM and ass

me: that kid is a dick

he must be your fav

Bob: everyone says that if i had a kid

and he was white

that’s what it would be like

me: sounds like it

9:07 PM Bob: plus i hate that horsey lil bitch

though he’s pretty good about going back and forth

he takes it as well as he dishes it out

pretty impressive for a 9th grader

you’d like him too

9:10 PM me: why do you hate her

bc she stole your boy from you

Bob: no

9:11 PM cuz she walks around here like she owns the place

when her “man” pays 20% of the rent

when they went to mexico

she parked her car under my carport

for 5 days

and it rained the whole time

9:12 PM she and Joe have interrupted client meetings with the kids’ parents to have them move cars so they can get out

she walks in my house and doesn’t even say hello, just bee lines it upstairs to Joe’s room

i mean, i prefer people let themselves in so i don’t have to get up, but at least say hi like everyone else does

lie to me and small talk me

9:13 PM Joe has no dishes or silverware or anything in the house

and i don’t care that they use mine

but at least put it in the fucking dishwasher after

and i don’t care if you use my tv either

but don’t just leave it on and running after you’ve left the house and no one else is watching it

9:14 PM don’t use all my laundry shit just because you don’t feel it’s necessary to buy it when you’re here cuz i have the big costco sized shit

me: yea that’s sounds like a bunch of bullshit

Bob: i mean just basic humanity 101

me: why don’t you tell them to do that shit

Bob: tried telling Joe

but when it comes to his horse

9:15 PM you have to be careful

Joe’s was a loser in h.s.

and he came to college and re-invented himself, or tried to at least

but he’s still the same lil insecure dork under the douchebag exterior

so anything about his gf and the fangs come out

9:16 PM last year he started dating this girl he met on fb

who lived in cali

they started “dating” before they met in person

he would fly out there every 3 weeks for a week

and he originally moved into my place

because his lease had ended and he was going to move out there to be with her

9:17 PM so he needed something month to month so as soon as he found a job he could book it

well people started giving him a hard time about selling out

and how he was a dick and stupid for just dropping the world for this crazy bitch in cali

and this nigga then goes on facebook and writes this 40 page manifesto

9:18 PM bitching at everyone about how it’s his life and he can do what he wants

and that if we were really his friends we’d understand and support him

and how he’s not dropping everyone, life and priorities change, etc etc.

pretty much calling everyone a bitch and a douche for not backing him up

9:19 PM me: haha you’re super funny today –> 40 page manifesto

Bob: and granted when everything blew up, we were all guys so we squashed and wrote it off to pussy driving him crazy

baby, i’m always funny

remember, that’s why you love me

me: but today especially

9:20 PM Bob: but now he’s going that shit all over again, apparently it was his M.O. in college

but i do not want to deal with that drama

i’m running a business in my home

a business that contributes almost 4 times what he does to expenses

me: well maybe he’ll move in with her

right?

9:21 PM Bob: i’ll deal for another 2-3 months until he moves in with her

right

i mean it’s just sickening how much time they spend together

every fucking night they sleep together

they carpool in together

and leave together

sometimes they get lunch together

all weekend together

i mean, it’s crazy

even when we get married

9:22 PM i mean i love you and all

but even i’ll need to get the fuck away from you at some point

for some period of time

just like you’ll have to do with me

me: probably 6 days a week we’ll need to be apart

Bob: i mean, it’s human nature

i agree

me: otherwise it will be unbearable

Bob: i hear that

people need time to do their own thing

9:23 PM me: that’s def true

it’s unhealthy otherwise

Bob: i think 1 date night a week is a lot

especially if you’re already living together

i mean last month

he hadn’t seen any of us since he had met horsey

so like 3 months

9:24 PM this motherfucker sends out an outlook meeting invite to ask everyone to hang out with him, horsey, and horsey’s cuz at this hookah bar next to horsey’s place in adams morgan

9:25 PM i mean who the hell sends out an outlook meeting invite asking his friends to hang out. i mean fucking a, at least send a mass text.

me: lol

or a fb invite

or email

but def not outlook invite

Bob: like i said

me: that’s for a business meeting

9:26 PM Bob: apparently that’s what it was

no one showed up

except my buddy tim and his girl vanessa

and that’s only cuz they had just spent the week before in vegas with him from a trip that was planned waaaaaaaaaaaaay before he even had met horsey

and they were kinda forced into it

9:27 PM me: you better be careful otherwise you won’t be the godfather of the baby centaurs

Bob: they said he was on his phone talking to her the whole time they weren’t at the tables

fuck that

i don’t want anything to do with those freak children

9:28 PM my godkids and nephews/nieces are all adorable

i’m too vain to be associated with ugly kids

especially half horse mutants

me: as entertaining as you’re being today, all good things must come to and end and i must get some sleep

good night

Bob: sweet dreams princess momo

:-*

me: hopefully relations b/w you and ms. ed will improve

thanks

Bob: thanks for letting me bitch

9:29 PM only 2 ways for it to improve, she moves out to a farm ad out of my house or i put her in the glue factory