Guy: hi my name is dan and im from bridgewater nj and it looks like we have some things in common. ide like to get to know eachother better if you are intristed .let me know .Dan Princess: “ide” like to to inform you that I’m not “intristed.” Best of luck.
Emails to Ex Specimens: Mike misses Princess MoMo
Princess MoMo, Hello. My name is Michael [redacted]. I miss your big beautiful eyes and your sparkling personality. I have traveled far and wide and you were right, there are no replacements for the Princess. Ironically, as I typed the last line I found a strand of your hair. I know you are about to say “its not […]
Adventures at the Dentist: An intruder trespasses upon the oral kingdom
In order to fully grasp the terminology in this post, you must familiarize yourself with the first in the series of Princess MoMo’s Dentist Adventures. Every six months, I grant permission to a certain individual and his minions to enter into my oral kingdom for purposes of cleaning the peasants and their homes. I store […]
Emails to Ex Specimens: Mike makes a picture for Princess MoMo
Previous Correspondence with Mike: Princess MoMo makes a picture for Mike Mike responds to the picture Mike’s message and attached photo (original photo has been altered in order to protect the identity of Princess MoMo): Hope you are having a wonderful day. It was a busy day at the office but I just want to know […]
Online Dating Fails: Servant Part 2
A few weeks after the initial exchange, this guy wrote to me again. Guy: Still as elegant as ever. Nice to gaze upon you again :) Princess: Believe it or not, I was thinking about you this weekend. On Sunday, I was tasked with the laborious errand of modern day hunting and gathering, otherwise known as […]
Emails to Ex Specimens: Mike’s Response
In response to the lovely picture I sent him, Mike wrote: haha. It’s amazing how I threw you out of my car and house, you ruined my b-day and made me miss the championship game last night but yet you still can make me laugh. Is this the “waning” off period? Is that how u […]
Gchat: Princess Paparazzi
Getbetter: tell me more fun stuff from your bday 7:10 PM A.R.: we had a bunch of mexicans at the pre-party doing the macarena and serenading us 7:15 PM A.R.: if you’d like to witness it, Princess has videos 7:17 PM Getbetter: oh my Princess, i bet she does and i bet she posted each […]
Princess MoMo’s Memorable Quotes
Before you rush to judge someone else, ask yourself, “Am I a sober monk?” If the answer is no, don’t judge. You see, I don’t have many natural flaws, so I drink so that I will have a vice. Levels out the playing field. I’m really doing it for others. I’m an altruistic drinker. One […]
66 minute conversation with Century Link Incompetents; transcribed while conducted so excuse typos.
Century Link: Hello. Thanks for calling Century Link. Me: Hello. Let me walk you through my day today. Centuraly Link: Ok Me: I woke up this morning and showered. I then clothed myself in professional attire. You know why? Century Link: Why? Me: Because I anticipated going to work today. But that didn’t happen. You […]
Adventures at the Dentist
Background: In March of 2010, there was an uprising in my mouth. The culprit: A rebellious wisdom tooth. The solution: The uprising was quelled through the removal of wisdom in tooth form. After that visit to the dentist, I friended said dentist on facebook (because at the time, I thought I was attracted to him […]
Online Dating Fails: Keepin’ it real
Guy: Id honestly try to talk to you, but Im a 25 year old Pot head/ Union electrician, and i have semi-yellow teeth. but hey at least America still has dreamers right?? Princess: At least you’re honest and realistic. That’s admirable.
Online Dating Fails: Is Dennis Dead?
Subject line: Hey Im dennis Im dying to talk to you Message: Hey I’m dennis as you know. I think your EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL, and I REALLY WISH FOR ONE CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, AND SHOW YOU I’M WORTH YOUR RESPONSE!. I live in bensalem pa. I’m 28 I hope age,and distance is […]
Late Night Gchat
12:31 AM me: Hey 12:32 AM dilip: What’s up? 12:35 AM me: I’m at josephines 12:36 AM Thought I should tell you in the event that you show up So that there is no awkward tension 12:37 AM dilip: What shuld I do then, all my frienmds are goin ther me: Come 12:38 AM I […]
Texts from this Morning…
On today’s episode of Texts from this Morning, we have a repeat offender. On March 22, 2011, this specimen with whom I went on ONE date a YEAR ago (March 2010) and had no physical contact initiated the a string of texts reprinted below. This morning, he struck again. This time, I was willing to […]
Online Dating Fails: Dennis is alive and it turns out he is a menace.
Not too long ago, I posted Mr. Dennis’s opening message to me on this dating site. This is the sequel. Subject line: wow a stuck up grammer bitch you are Message: are you serious you make a big deal over the simplexity of certain words. I’m glad I have no chance with you Ms. […]