Princess MoMo

Headline: Caveat Emptor
Cliff Notes: Don’t message me if you suck. I’m awesome and I’m looking for an equally, if not more, awesome mate.

I used to have a warning against writing to me if you suffer from GI conditions. You might be wondering why I have an aversion to those with stomach and digestive problems. I don’t…well, I guess it depends on how severe and what the implications are. But, GI in this profile refers to “Grammar Impairment.” Anyway, my warnings were for naught as I continued to be bombarded with message after message containing improper your/you’re, then/than, there/their/they’re and even here/hear usage. Since allowing for a self-selecting process through the use of a disclaimer was unsuccessful, I’ve decided to quiz you. Choose the proper word to fill in the underlined space in each sentence.

1. You’re/Your probably thinking I’m nuts.
2. However, there’s/theirs/they’res a method to my madness.
3. I’d like to meet a man who is more intelligent then/than a third grader.
4. Many of those who have written to me on here/hear have trouble commanding basic English.

Also, I will not reply to messages containing one-liners or one-worders (e.g., a message that solely says “hot”). In other words, the likelihood of me responding to a “how’s it going,” “what’s up,” or similar short impersonal messages is very slim. I also don’t respond to form letters/boilerplate messages or those that appear to be written by an adolescent person – this category includes messages containing “words” such as “wud” or “ur.” So an example of a message to which I would never respond is, “wat’s up? howz ur wknd goin? wud u like to chat? my aim sn is illiterateboy69.”

Proceed if:
a: You are between the ages of 26 and 35, in human years; (Yes, there is a discrepancy between this and my message restriction settings – I’m a reasonable person. As such, I’m willing to be flexible in limited appropriate circumstances.)
b: You are looking for more than an “intimate encounter”;
c: You have a picture readily available for my merciless judgment (love may be blind, but I am not);
d: You are not and have not been engaged/married and do not have children;
e: You’re not vertically compromised (i.e., (i.e., You must be taller than 5’10” – a real 5’10” and not this guy measurement bs in which you y-chromosomed ones add an inch or two to your measurements);
f: An employer would not refrain from or hesitate in hiring you after running a background check and/or drug test;
g: You’ve never engaged the services of a street-walker or prostitute;
h: You do not frequent strip clubs on occasions other than bachelor parties and have not dated a stripper;
i: You’re not holding a fish in any of your photos on here; AND
j: All of the above.

Those of you who are not eliminated, proceed with caution! 

Hello! Glad you’ve stopped in. If you’re reading this even though you’ve been disqualified by the above criteria, please stop.

Now, you may be wondering why I’m on this site. You shouldn’t be wondering that though, because you’re here too, probably for the same reason(s). Nevertheless here is my story and I’m sticking to it. It’s really quite simple. Dating is a numbers game. As much as I like numbers, I don’t have the time to put myself in actual (as opposed to virtual) situations consistently enough to draw from pools of men in person at the rate necessary for me to find one I want to keep for an unlimited period of time. It’s an economies of scale thing. The greater the production of men, the less each one costs in time. Being thought of in economic terms gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling, doesn’t it? And while you’re embracing the warmth, I’d like to add that compromise means everyone loses. Who likes losing? Not me. So, I’m looking for someone who is naturally on the same wave length so that as little losing (aka compromise) as possible is necessary.

Before completely departing from economic terms, check out this article: http://www.slate.com/id/2286240/

INTERMISSION

About me: Me, Inc. was established in October of 1984 and has been going strong for the past 26 years. The CEO is a young sarcastic professional. She delivers her cynicism in a charming way and is fun, random, entertaining, and playful. Me, Inc. is looking to start a joint venture with a sincere someone possessing a high level of confidence. Unfortunately, after conducting countless interviews, and even temporarily employing a few, the CEO has come to terms with the fact that nobody is perfect; however, as close to perfect as possible will suffice. Please be intellectually and visually stimulating, ambitious, and in good financial standing.

In closing, if my profile has turned you off, then Me, Inc. isn’t for you. If you’ve enjoyed it and perhaps even found it humorous, inquire within. It’s a weeding out process. Only the strong survive.